Here is the news as it happened this Thursday on CNNMNBBCITVSky.
Everyone in Westminster was profoundly disturbed today. The Prime Minister in particular was profoundly shocked, while the Foreign Secretary said he was profoundly sorry. In Brussels, it was Thursday and so everyone was profoundly concerned about actions that it found totally unacceptable, while in Washington where it was still Wednesday, the President warned that there would be serious consequences. In Australia, where it will soon be tomorrow, the Premier fell deeply silent after being asked about whether he was profoundly incompetent.
The Home Secretary said there would have to be an enquiry, or perhaps a Royal Commission. In Paris, the UN said a Conference was vital. In Brussels, officials said there would be enquiries, reports, investigations and conferences with lots of freebies, but no discussion of unsigned EC accounts would be necessary, as after 19 years this was now established as standard procedure, and had saved EU taxpayers billions in accountancy fees.
In Washington, the President said there had been no spying, except by the spying agencies on each other and all US allies. In Athens, the Prime Minister said Greeks could soon say goodbye to the past, while in Canberra, the Premier suffered an uncharacteristic outburst of verbal incontinence in a bid to counter charges of profound incompetence. Australians, he insisted, could soon say hello to the future because “our day starts earlier than priddy much inniweer else, roight?” while in Moscow the Russian President told his citizens “There is a crime ‘ere, and I’m the man to solve it”. Then he stripped off his shirt and 11,790 homosexuals who don’t exist orgasmed.
In London, the Home Secretary invited everyone to be clear about this, and in Ukraine the US Secretary of State said the Russian President should be absolutely clear about the consequences. The French President said voters should be clear about the difficulties, and the German Chancellor told the Bundestag that she had already made herself perfectly clear. The British Foreign Secretary said he would do whatever it takes to avoid taking a decision, but the new Italian Prime Minister said he would take whatever he could into account. The Greek foreign minister said he would take everything he could eat, and Spain’s Premier announced with great solemnity that he would carry on taking the piss as long as the money kept rolling in. The Brussels EC concluded that, taking everything into account, it was obvious that nobody there had been on the take at all, and the situation was improving with every year.
The UK Health Secretary said he thought that a level playing field was absolutely vital in order to reduce the NHS cost of treating sports injuries, while the Opposition Leader told the Prime Minister that he didn’t get it. The Chancellor of the Exchequer insisted that the City was not a playing field but it was nevertheless level; however, the Shadow Chancellor said the Chancellor wasn’t levelling with the British people. The Metropolitan Police Commissioner insisted that there was no cover-up, shortly before three banks said they were setting aside £35.7 billion to allow for uncovered cover-ups of the steep hill which had been their playing field. Now the hill had been covered up, they testified, the field would obviously be perfectly level forever. A UKip Councillor in Adverse Camber told his constituents that although the playing field and main street of the town weren’t level, the river was above normal levels thanks to Brussels, but everything would always be above board so long as they voted for him.
In Washington, Congress urged swift action after the President announced firm measures aimed at calming tensions. Britain’s Foreign Office said its investigation would be thorough and far-reaching, and a spokesman for the Elysée Palace in Paris said there would have to be a crackdown. The Australian Deputy PM said tough measures would be vital, difficult decisions would be taken, and it was time for brave solutions. In Moscow, the Russian foreign minister said it was a time for cool heads to cool heels, while the Hungarian Prime Minister said we should strike while the iron was hot. But Brussels said it had gone cold on the idea of a Hot War, and in turn the Swedish foreign secretary recommended a hot sauna after which everyone should roll around in the snow.
The Slog 