Words of advice for aspiring motor-homers

1. Before setting out on the open road, double-lock all drawers, make sure everything is in either a drawer or a cupboard, and nail anything down that might slide, shoot through the air, or open with a bang. Be especially mindful of things like rice, water, shoes, toolboxes and family heirlooms.

The Romans built straight roads, but the Roman Empire finally came to grief 1600 years ago: get over it. Roads are no longer straight. Every bend in every road is a potential collision between the walls of your motor home and a wine bottle.

Get this wrong, and the view in your rear-view mirror will look like a cross between the anti-matter scene from a sci-fi movie, and those space station videos where everything is flying around and the astronauts are bouncing playfully on their noses.

2. When you park somewhere for the evening, park on a surface that is level. By ‘level’, I mean spirit-level level. If you disobey this golden rule, the shower you looked forward to all day will not drain: instead, there will be a puddle on one side of the basin. You will have to play 90 minutes of football with the puddle in order to persuade it down the plughole. Also, the heating system will leak, sending a trail of mystery fluids across the floor. Further, the casserole you put on earlier will (when served up) migrate to the far end of the plate, before running all over the pc keyboard.

3. When you wake up at night in the certain knowledge that the Earth has left its advertised route round the sun, don’t panic. It is just that your motor home has encountered a light breeze, and is responding by threatening to leave the wheels behind as it heads for the bushes. This is perfectly normal, and extremely dangerous. Tell yourself you’re enjoying it, and go back to sleep.

4. When replenishing the water cistern after draining the old liquid, ensure that the draining valve is completely closed. Otherwise, the water you are putting in at one end will simply pour out at the other end. This is not like drinking lager and then relying on your bladder sphincter: 99% of motor homes do not come with a factory-fitted cistern sphincter. The water simply pours onto the surface beneath the vehicle, only alerting you to the problem when your slippers go squelch-squelch. It is possible to stand for ten minutes with the hose, thinking, “Christ, this is one f**king huge cistern”, but the problem is nothing more than the result of your over-confidence in believing that you had closed the valve properly.

5. When attaching a replacement gas tank to the delivery pipe, be aware of the fact that the closure system involves the use of a left-hand thread. This is partly a safety feature, but mainly the sadistic desire of propane manufacturers to nod off at night secure in the knowledge that thousands of their customers are busy chafing knuckles trying to screw on the delivery pipe after 40 years of conditioning about right-hand threads. At the back of the gas cylinders you will find a small hidden mic that has been recording your obscenely-emitted frustration for the benefit of Christmas Parties in propane gas offices across the world.

6. Do try to avoid dumping solids into the lavatory caskette before checking that the flush pump is working. Performing such functions that way round can lead to events which are always going to be more detail than you need in a family blog like this one. Be safe: avoid night-long revulsion by always checking the flush first. It may sound a little OCD, but believe me it is entirely rational.

More information will be forthcoming in due course.