Some of my closer friends may have already seen an outpouring of bile I left on Facebook last night about the sell-don’t-tell nature of Google now, and the shortcomings of getheapp syndrome.  I’m typing this on a tablet that doesn’t really want me to do anything with my life beyond gettheapp. Gettheapp is like Mindthegap, but without the socialisation involved in any warning. Also you only ever see it in subterranean transport systems, and the same is true of those who inhabit the warren of silos constructed for them by Dial F For Frustration over 40 years ago. Some say DFF was started by Nixon, some say the CIA, and others Jimmy Savile, but whatever the truth of the matter, the new generation of silo-dwellers are excelling even their forefathers for sheer, undiluted nasal Nerd inability to understand why they are celibate in the padded cell, and the rest of us are up here without spots, and in possession of a life. The following examples are offered as evidence for the prosecution;  I don’t really see why these folks deserve a fair trial, but then the Rule of Law must remain sacrosanct. Anyway, if the jury finds them no it guilty, we can always lynch them at a later date. You know, when nobody’s looking.

1. I want to go to Skype on a tablet, because I want to communicate with people without France or British Telecom being involved in the deal. But I can’t until I Gettheapp. After I Gettheapp, Skype doesn’t me to make the calls either, it wants me to Gettheapp.  After going through all 12 stations of the Cross at Skype ‘help’, I eventually got to a live chat that was about as alive as my cat Leo, who died in 1957. So I sent them an email. Meanwhile, new arrivals at the mobile Skype site are in turn being told that Skype can phone Uranus, if they Gettheapp.

2. Don’t ask WordPress how to find Publish on the tablet version. Either they don’t know and are just horribly embarrassed, or the Silonerd involved asked his dog for a date and got turned down, so he’s sulking. Ask Prince Philip – you’ve a much higher chance of learning something.

3. When Googling Facebook in the tablet space, just Gethefuckingapp. It’s quicker. Also you don’t die looking for the North West Pasage around the problem. When Facebook say they don’t know you or any of the friends you enter in order to do their job for them,  go to a news medium account and open it with Facebook. Then link in to FB and get straight in.

4. Never, ever read the instruction manual for any techie product, it will only discourage you. Go online and type into Google ‘hard drive transfer instructions for people at ground level or above’.

5. When transferring hard drive data to an external enclosure, ignore words like ‘gently’ and ‘then screw into holes provided’. Ram the mother into the too-small container, and throw the sub-atomic screws away. Alternatively, you can do what I did and discover that your kitchen floor contains three dead wasps under the fridge, wood shavings under the cooker, and terrifying bacteria beneath the dishwasher. But without a portable Hubble telescope handy, you won’t find the microscrews with invisible legs that ran away earlier.

6. If you absolutely insist on persevering with the visual-free instructions, remember that words like end, side, up, down, out, in, left, right, before and after are interchangeable.

And in other news this week, the water pump broke down, two guidance wheels fell of the tractor mower, and its blades are out on strike. I have looked in vain to try and Gettheapp to solve this, but there doesn’t seem to be one.

I’m off to the dentist now. It’s my r&r and I deserve it.