Let’s parler Campingcar

Voyaging further into deep space on the Slogship Enterprose, I am beginning to realise that there is more than one way to park a motor home….or as we seasoned gallicophile campers say, faire le parking d’un campingcar.

Some of you may be aware of the famous French parlour game Pictionnaire – whereby one scribbles a pathetic attempt at representational art on a large board, and the players have to guess what the blue blazing buggery it might actually represent. It was invented by the impressionist painter Renoir, in cahoots with his close boozing mate Dégas*. As you might imagine, they were pretty good at it.

Of an evening in the 1880’s, these two raving pooftas would scribble away for the benefit of their dinner guests (once the maids had been fully serviced by the straights) and people would variously cry out, “Ball at the Pancake Mill” or “Ballerina’s bum” and so forth. As the years passed and the inventors passed away, the scenes and clues had to be simplified so that players could shout “Haven’t a clue” or “two pissholes in the snow”.

Pictionary is an infuriating game – but despite this, the Powers that Be in charge of international camping signs have adopted it lock, stock, and could be a barrel, might be a tree. Below are some contemporary examples of this art form:

Taking each number in turn, these simple diagrams explain the following to l’audience de camping jeux sans frontières:

1. To find Camping Le Cul-de-Sac, turn left off the main road, ignore the council estate on the right, and carry straight on round the bend

2. Special toilets are available for myopics with unfeasibly large bladders who haven’t had a pee since Dunkirk.

3. Swimming pool for the severely depressed wishing to dive in safely while securely encased in the BSI Standard HSE approved accrochement d’électricité. (WARNING: do not try this at home or when feeling well)

4. Facilities are available for incontinent motor homes close to retirement

5. Facilities are also available for activities we couldn’t possibly mention in a family medium, but the clue is in the noun ‘camp’.

Venturing yet further afield, however, the following are also sometimes seen:

6. Turn left or right, je m’en fou, you missed the turning

7. Le Camping Croix des turds-en-lit

8. Warning: suicidal petrol pump ahead

9. Purely for your personal protection, the conifers on this site contain audio surveillance

10. Turn left off the chemin rurale, straight ahead at the roundabout – and try to stop before the river

11. Le Camping Vasques des turds-en-lit

12. Double-V Cs available for the double-jointed

13. If the bloody map-reader misses this fork in the road, there’ll be an atmosphere you could cut with a knife

14. Free 24/7 wifi Close Encounters of the Third Kind available throughout the site.

As you can see, every eventuality has been covered. In fact, international camping signs follow a long tradition of phrase-books dedicated to the pronunciation of phrases you will never need, such as:

The queue outside this Greek pharmacy is very short

Where is the Post Office, my glider has crashed

Excuse me, could you direct me to the nearest honest policeman

Earlier at The Slog: Busting a gut to get out of the stock market

* This bit is guaranteed 100% deficient in any resemblance whatsoever to either the sexual proclivities or after-dinner behaviour of Messrs Dégas and Renoir