Rising tides and plunging standards
The British Government’s Time-borrowing costs rose steeply last Friday on the news that Treasury Minister Mr Coppernob McLibdem had put the entire QE budget for June on Ping My Blog, a 55-1 nag running in the 3.30 at Haydock Park. It came 7th. Speaking from under a small red light somewhere in London, President of the Tim Yeo fan club Gregor Hobspawn said the Prime Minister would appoint a Steward’s Enquiry until such time as Ping My Blog comes 1st.
“Although we are borrowing Time futures in order to diversify our debt portfolio, it is quite untrue to say that we are living on borrowed Time” said Mr Hobspawn, “Time-borrowing is clearly the best approach for the Government to adopt while we continue to accelerate towards escape velocity from the Past.”
The Prime Minister Mr Devilled Kippers-Farageron said that Mr Hobspawn’s Time-borrowing costs were completely under control and yet more evidence that the Government’s Long Term Economic Plan is Working. Although it was turning into a longer time economic plan involving gee-gees, gambling fraud and illegal stimulants he said, we were now into the final furlong and it was early days but he was absolutely confident that Mr Coppernob McLibdem was in it to win it, and we were all right in it…and as long as it continued to look good, we’d be all in it together.
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Officers of the élite Metropolitan Police Tory Psycho Squad are tonight investigating the discovery of a large painted canvas in the attic of a house formerly owned by Mr Jeremy Hunt, the infamous Sinophile suspect and Lead Scout of the 9th Bottomley BUPA Regiment.
First reports suggest that the canvas depicts a decadent old man with unpleasant grubs emerging from wispy ears while snails ramble gently in and out of his eyes.
“We ‘ave spotted hay massive resemblance,” said Chief Superintendent Geoff Inkedunnit, “between the hindividual hin the picture hand hanuvva person whom we cannot hat this junkcha name for hofficial reasons. Hour henquireeez continyoooo, but hin de meantime, hiff you fink you know this person please dial the number below, where hi shall hendeavour to bring yooee hinto custody hat the first hopptunitee an’ hit you very ‘ard wiv a blunt hinstrument, hifankyooo.”
Commenting on Sky News, Jeremy Hunt said that he had done nothing wrong, and it was an open and shut case of misattribution. He added that he would be personally chairing a Committee of Enquiry in order to confirm this fact.
Later, a Mr Dorian Gray handed himself in to Tottenham Court Road police station, asking for 729 cases of depraved behaviour to be taken into account, but accepting that he could not hope to compete with the likes of Ezak Hunt.
The Slog 