So there I am, standing in the DIY store in front of a dizzying selection of gas connection pipes. Some are for bottled gas, some for town gas, some for Butane, some for propane, some for citernes sous terres, some for heaters, and some for cookers with ovens.

I look at the terms propane and butane, and wonder if there might be a third type of gas called profane, specifically designed to amuse we the confused – such that, instead of emerging with a simple hissing sound, it goes “no idea WTF’s going on you stupid c***, so stick it up your ass”.

Anyway, this alleged instore expert salesman turns up, and I explain my dilemma, viz, I haven’t a clue what I need.

“Do you have a deturneur?” he asks, in the manner of a German policeman.

“Well, I have a robinet” I reply.

He shows me a deturneur, which looks uncannily like a robinet to me.

“Surely that deturneur is a robinet?” I ask innocently.

“Not exactly,” he  replies, “this robinet is a deturneur”;

“But,” I respond, “where does it go?”

“In between the fixation four and the citerne supply robinet,” he asserts, with a certainty I find accutely irritating.

“So two robinets are better than one?” I enquire.

The sales assistant frowns the frown of all those certain they are dealing with a congenital idiot.

“Not at all,” he corrects, “you need a robinet to turn the gas off, and a deturneur to control the pressure”.

“But mainly I’m going to want the gas turned on,” I suggest.

“Of course,” he replies triumphantly, “and that is why you need a deturneur which is a robinet, and a robinet which, if necesssary, will act to turn off the gas just in case the pressure overwhelms the deturneur….because if that were to happen without the necessary robinet, then anything could happen”.

I blink at him, asking myself what this ‘anything’ might be. All I know is that I’ve been back and forth on this mission three times, and ringing in my head are the words of the plumber, “I’ve fitted this so that all you need is the flexible connection, which anyone can do”.

And it occurs to me that that said plumber backed out of actually being the someone aka anyone tasked with doing the job where the works of anyone could result in anything.

I think that, at last, I understand some of the bullsh*t involved in all this. The good news is that I now have a functioning cooker to go with my dishwasher and washing machine.

Hurrah.