There are warnings in the media tonight about the misuse of laughing gas. I am at a loss to understand why anyone today needs any aid to raucous laughter.

UKip leader Nigel Farage is apparently ‘set to declare bid for constituency where recent poll showed party has four-point lead’, which is very Nige….back a winner and all that. But he denies it, and so does the local constituency committee. I think the thing with Rockfist Farage is, he won’t settle for anything less than an unwinnable seat. He’s that kinda guy.

An Oxford-educated scientist has penned a letter to his neighbours threatening “drastic action” if they don’t discourage their cats from killing birds. He is also understood to have threatened cuckoos with unthinkable consequences if they don’t stop laying eggs in other birdies’ nests, and given foxes one final warning that if another chicken gets it, he won’t be responsible for his actions.

Ed Miliband says he won’t let an independent Scotland keep the Pound. Ed Balls has, however, intervened to reassure the Scots that they will be allowed to have a Poond. The Scottish Poond’s value will be tied to the incidence of pivoting Caledonian drunks in London.

Hurricane Bertha says she’s on her way to visit Britain, and will not be diverted from her historic destiny as the strong wind created to blow David Cameron’s long term economic strategy off course. In this resolve, she joins forces with Vladimir Putin, the man without whose silly sanctions the eurozone depression would never have happened.

And finally, thousands marched in London ‘for Gaza’, although it remained unclear as to what they wanted Gaza to do. Labour MP Diane Abbott told the crowd that the British people “stand in solidarity with the people of Gaza”, and obviously have no sympathy at all with Israel. The demonstration in London was part of a worldwide “day of rage” about Gaza said the BBC, but apparently no rage attached to militants in Gaza. Protester Philip McCowen, 59, from Bristol, said: “The massacre of children is outrageous”, a reaction consistent with the day of rage; and in a shock development, Tariq Ali attacked Israel. Meanwhile, as the British government promised it would match the first £2m of public donations for Gaza relief, archeologists dug frantically in search of the Coalition’s outrageous policy on Gaza, used by Baroness Warsi as the reason for her resignation earlier this week.

Death isn’t funny. But the reaction of pampered bourgeois fluffies to blatant propaganda is never less than hysterical…in both senses of the word.