Rumours that Sir Cliff Richard is really Faust and did a deal with the Devil at the age of eighteen were given more oxygen this morning as The Independent revealed his true age to be 518. Commenting on this new sensation, conspiracy consultant Bryony Guessish said,

“It is now clear to everyone that Cliff Richard spearheaded the Establishment of the Templar takeover of the Vatican in 1524 after which point only paedophiles were allowed to become priests and this achieved Beelzebub’s obvious objective of inverting the Church from white to black while wearing red hats to disguise the change after which a global network of human sacrifice and sex with lambs so-called bestial paedophilia took over the world in league with the Elders of Zion and their masters the Rothschilds look at any crucifixion painting and you can see the bloke spearing our Lord is obviously a Rothschild Jew, the same Jew who tried to suggest that the Turin Shroud was a fake and then suppressed the Dead Sea Scrolls which revealed beyond any reasonable doubt that Cliff Richard was the sixth generation son of the sixth Lord of the Underworld who lived at 6 Lucifer Gardens thus making up the infamous three 6s that Cliff Richard has behind one ear the left one I think that’s why he grew his hair long and that’s why he went to the Caribbean to have the tattoo removed after he had been caught by Mark Williams-Thomas summoning up the Devil at Elm House did you know that his real name is Harry Webb, which is an anagram of He bar Wry the ancient Hittite term for horned paedophile?”

Mr Richard refused to comment beyond saying that “I use Dove anti-wrinkle cream every night, and there are no portraits in my attic or skeletons in my cupboard”.

The trial by media in a kangaroo Court continues.