Bloke 1: ‘ere, you know abart this Ebola?

Bloke 2: Wot, yer mean the bloke Wenger signed in the close season?

B1: Nah, not ‘im – this fing wot, yer know, is like wipin’ out the nignogs an’ that.

B2: Wot, that ISIS or Procul ‘arem or whatever they’re called?

B1: No yer f**kin’ bollockbrain, I mean this wossname, virus. Ebola.

B2: No.

B1: whaddye mean, “No”?

B2: I mean no, I’ve no f**kin’ idea wot yer on abart.

B1: Gor blimey an’ f**k me, dunt you never watch the news?

B2: No, nevah. They said, right, if yer dunt wanna know the score, look away. So I don’t look at it no more.

B1: Yuh well thassasmaybe, but anyway, there’s this fing right, an’ it’s ‘eadin’ straight for us. This Ebola an’ that.

B2: On account of what?

B1: Wull…onna count of three I reckon. I mean, it’s already in Spain.

B2: What is?

B1: This Ebola fing. This nurse caught it in Spain.

B2: Why’d she wanna catch a wild animal then? I mean, ‘er bein’ a nurse an’ all…

B1: Oh ferfuxxake, she dint catch it like catchin’ a ball yer pillock, she dint mean to catch it at all.

B2: Nah, sorry. Dunno what yer on abart.

B1: Looouuck, listen will yer. Issa f**kin’ disease, right?

B2: What, like Ebay yer mean?

B1: No, nuffink like Ebay….look, issa virus right? Yer can gerrit on the internet or even over the phone…

B2: Wotsit do then?

B1: It’s ‘orrible. Makes yer shit froo yer ears, and turns yer insides out til yer look like that Pompidou place in Paris, wiv all yer vitals on the outside an’ that.

B2: Uuuurreegh. I dunt want me pomp in the doo-doo….

B1: ….straight up….that’s why they call it Ebola, right?

B2: Yeh….right. Wot?

B1: Well, cos it’ gone all mute annit? It’s muuutated, on the quiet like.

B2: Aw blimey, it ‘asn’t ‘as it?

B1: It ‘as. I mean, it used to be called Bola, right?

B2: Wot, like that Mohammad Hafeez bowler yer mean?

B1: Naaaah, as in Bola before it became Ebola. Seefingizzlike, now, right, it’s gone viral annit? Now it’s helectronically transmitted innit? Now it’s Eeeebola.

B2: It is?

B1: Yuuurh. So whatevver yer do, don’t ring anyone in Sierra Leone…

B2: I dunt know anyone in Sierra Leone.

B1: Wull then, yer alright incha?

B2: Suppose so. Wull, same again then?

B1: Why not…..

Recently at The Slog: UKipola now “out of control” claims Nigel Average