HUGE RELIEF AS JUNCKER FINDS HIMSELF NOT GUILTY

In a surprising decision tonight, Radio Luxembourg Managing Director and – by pure coincidence, President of Europe – Jean-Claude Juncker cleared himself of all association with tax-evading corporations and obese Greek Foreign Ministers who had placed huge sums of money at the disposal of his country’s banks while he was, ipso fact and de jure as such, running the country.

Speaking from inside his 40 cm thick Think Tank somewhere in Frankfurt, ECB boss Signor Mario Draghi said he was ‘f**ked off beyond belief” by the verdict, but added that he was sure all fair-minded Europeans would accept the result in the same way that the overwhelming majority of British citizens fully accepted the complete exoneration of Mrs Beecher Brooks as yet another sign of the level playing field of European civilisation.

“We are many times looking at theesh shituation wishzz President Juncker,” said EU Commissioner for Oafs Heinrich von Petrolbang, ” and remain we mosht clearly of the viewing that he interrogated himshelf wizzout any fear or favour”.

But Sheik Faisal Narage told his followers, “Ukip if you want to but this is yet again another diabolical stitchup by Johnny Foreigner in his never-ending quest to subjugate the British people and ban Remembrance Day just because we had to rescue them time and time again from thems elves. And let me tell you, thems there elves are a pestilence and the sooner we’re rid of them the better we can get on with returning to the Big Bang years when even a moron like me could make money and then go down the pub for a laugh and a few pints without some bloody politically correct copper asking me to blow into some bloody bag or other I mean that’s how they got Guido you know, the bastards…..”

…………………………………………..

Idiotic questions not even worthy of a child’s consideration, let alone a Telegraph article, #237:

…………………………………………..

Meanwhile, at the BBC, News anchor Dermot Jeffrays is having a busy news day…

“And now, over to our correspondent in Chesterfield, where the Coalition Home Secretary has just declared the entire town non-violently extremist, and rained fire storms of plague down upon the inhabitants. What’s the latest there Unjongoowa?”

“Well Dermot, there are indescribable scenes of under-reaction here, as people try to go about their daily lives, and I’m talking now to local man Dean Clithead tell me Dean, what’s your reaction to all this?”

“Wull, seefingizzlikeworritizzizz, issall them them feckin ooman rights hacktivists, feckin phone hackers woy donnay juss pissoff an take their darf ideaz wivum in today’s multkutchseyetie, sa dibollikul libertee innit? I like that Ozzie Osbourne eezza safe pair of andsinnee? And wivart Rupatt Murdoch we wunt ave no live footie I mean I wunt mind but at viss rate oim gonna miss the start of Waterculla Makover House in the sun X-Factor Celebrity Challenge….”

“I see, but tell me, don’t you think that…”

“Well thanks Unjongoowa, I’m afraid I’ll have to stop you there, because we’re going over live now to 11 Downing Street where the Chancellor is about to get out of a limousine. What’s the latest there Peregrine?”

“Yes Dermot, it’s dramatic here as I jostle with several other fully grown men who don’t have a proper job to see if Mr Osborne can actually exit the car without help and yes, yes, it looks like he’s done it, hang on, I’m moving towards him now Mr Osborne? Mr Osborne, Perry Mugabe here at the BBC, can I ask you what your response is to criticisms of your NVE strategy?”

“Yes you can Perry and it’s so nice to see you again, how are Amanda and the children?”

“Errr, fine yes, now what’s your take on this Chancellor?”

“Well my take is very simply this. I think all these constipated constitutionalists have got their heads up their bottoms over something and nothing. I mean look, let’s not exaggerate: all I’m suggesting is that we pass a law to say that people who object hugely to our plans but are carefully devious not to break any laws are very obviously malign influences in the way of what’s good for the country and thus should be put in jail. For God’s sake, where’s the harm in that?”

“Yes well, as you put it like that Chancellor…thank you for talking to the viewers, and now back to you in the studio Dermot….”

“Thank you..another award-winning investigative scoop from Perry there, and now it’s time to get the latest update on the Russian Baby-pitchforking Championships over in St Petersburg…”

…………………………………………..