Step One: Go to French multiple retailer, buy duvet marked 240 x 220, and duvet cover marked 240 x 220. Pay. Take home.

Step Two: Open packaging, discover duvet is in fact 220 x 200. Wonder why French multiple retailer logistics run by illogical pricks, but decide not to do battle with French returns policy and thus plough on regardless.

Step Three: Open duvet cover fully and realise the design called Constellation displaying yellow and blue colours through pack window also has gigantic grey Moon and naff yellow crystal-like stars. Examine other side of duvet cover, and find tasteful blue that matches carpet. Feel vague sense of relief that duvet cover not entirely useless.

Step Four: Hunt for entrance into duvet cover, eventually find cleverly hidden plastic press-buttons you know will fall off/get bent out of shape in first 40-degree wash cycle. Remember that duvet cover unexpectedly bigger than duvet, vow to tuck excess cover under mattress to ensure efficacious performance. Still AOK for lift-off.

Step Five: Take one corner of duvet, slide into matching corner of duvet cover, pull duvet towards oneself and hunt in vain for other corner of duvet. Find duvet corner, hunt in vain for matching corner of duvet cover. Sit in chair to rest, drink large glass of water to replace lost body fluids.

Step Six: Decide have found matching duvet cover corner, move on in bid to corner third cover corner, discover that third corner is not of cover but duvet itself, retreat in confusion while emitting profanities.

Step Seven: Wrestle duvet to ground in attempt to separate cover corners from duvet corners, produce world’s biggest knot. Realise trapped in middle of knot with no means of escape. Pull excess duvet over head, stumble onto bed, fall into deep sleep.