There now follows an exclusive interview with the Prime Minister Mr David Cameron. Viewers should be aware that some flash behaviour takes place during the course of this exchange.

The Slog: Prime Minister, you promised did you not that no British ground troops would be sent to Syria?

The Prime Minister: Yes, that is correct. I did. It was a regrettable compromise forced upon me by the incompetence of my Whips, but there you are. That’s politics.

TS: Quite. So can you explain for the viewers at home please why Sky News alleges you have approved the despatch of 200 ground troops to Syria this week?

PM: Well, let’s be absolutely clear about this, I don’t think Sky News are absolutely clear on what is meant by ‘ground troops’. And so in order to clarify the perhaps unclear view they have about ground troops, there will still not be any troops on the ground as such.

TS: Aaah. Right. Er, that is, what do you mean?

PM: Look, it’s important to speak plainly about such things. They may be ground troops, but they won’t actually be on the ground as it were so to speak.

TS: What will they be then?

PM: Advisers, pure and simple. And advisers are never on the ground.

TS: They aren’t?

PM: Of course not. It is a golden rule of this Administration that those advising and training and so forth travel only in helicopters, cars, tanks and – in extremis – trucks. Watch my lips: none of these fine fighting men of whom we should be proud (and stop knocking the role they play in protecting us) have their feet on the ground. Foot to ground contact is strictly forbidden under the United Nations thingy that applies to these things.

TS: I see. Well, thank you for making that clear Prime Minister, but what do you say to those who suggest you are splitting hairs here?

PM: Well what I say to them is, if they take that sort of comment any further, their feet won’t touch the ground either…until they arrive at Her Majesty’s Pleasure on a charge of non-violent extremism without breaking any laws.

TS: Moving swiftly on Mr Cameron, what’s your take on the decision of three right-wing think tanks in the last week to suggest that the only option left open to the Chancellor, given the UK trade deficit, is to raise taxes?

PM: Well look, I think we need to put some of this alarmist nonsense into context, and once again endeavour to be entirely straightforward and totally clear while I’m thinking of an answer and yes here it comes, I think that’s a question you should address to the Chancellor.

TS: Fair enough Prime Minister, but Mr Osborne isn’t here, so I’m asking you – as his boss – what you think.

PM: You see, this is what is so wrong about the British media these days, all you BBCites are so quick to…

TS: I don’t work for the BBC Prime Minister….

PM: Please don’t interrupt my reasoned bombast. I am merely pointing out the quite disgraceful way in which the BBC misrepresented what George Osborne said during his Autumn Statement. He made a statement quite innocently designed to misrepresent the real situation for the good of this fine country of ours, and the BBC did us all a great disservice by misrepresenting what he had misrepresented. This is why voters are so confused, because you lot in the media keep on and on reinterpreting what we have misinterpreted.

TS: But the Daily Telegraph also referred to Mr Osborne’s “breathtaking cheek” in evading the issue of both our trade deficit and national debt…

PM:…and there’s another classic example of you people seeing failure where there is success. The Chancellor has halved the deficit…

TS:…but he promised to eradicate it….

PM:…there you go again, putting Britain down, only seeing the glass as half empty.

TS: But the glass is half-empty Mr Cameron. The rest of it still contains a deficit. And Mr Osborne said it would be entirely empty of deficit. He set out to be a glass empty person, and he’s now a glass half-empty person.

PM: No he isn’t – this is where you are wrong. He’s a glass half-full person looking ahead positively to the day quite soon when the glass will be entirely empty.

TS: So he’s going to drink the deficit himself is he?

PM: You see, it’s chaps like you who are out to bamboozle the British voter – our fine yeomanry who have so much more discernment than you give them credit for. This is why we need to have laws to control the wreckers in our media, as opposed to those who make a genuine contribution to the political process.

TS: Like who?

PM: Well, like The Times and The Sun, whose proprietor’s financial enthusiasm knows no bounds.

TS: Moving on again Prime Minister, you must be aware of the price of oil having collapsed in recent weeks?

PM: Yes I certainly am, and I do not shrink from being proud that – through the good offices of our unwavering ally the United States – we have all pitched in to bring cheaper petrol prices to hard-working, hard-pressed and hard-up families all of whom are now enjoying more security thanks to our bold steps to create affordable zero-hours labour to jolly well roll up their sleeves and get Britain back where it belongs – on its feet as opposed to on its uppers where it was under…

TS: Quite so Mr Cameron, but it hasn’t all been good news, has it?

PM: Well, let’s be clear about this – in a free society there will always be people in the media who veer away from the truth in favour of their own non-violent extremist agenda, but I think most sensible right-thinking, hard-working, well-intentioned, Conservative-voting, forelock-touching workers accept that cheap petrol prices are a great help in the current environment where all of us are in the same boat together, fighting against the slings and arrows of…

TS: No, that isn’t what I meant Prime Minister. What I mean is that, given the very cheap price of oil, wouldn’t stockpiling it here make more sense than fracking?

PM: Well, we’ve had a best brains looking into this question, and I think I can confidently tell you today that I think all those in favour of fracking are on the right track and – if they’re right – they deserve our support…

TS:..but Mr Cameron, they’re wrong aren’t they? The business case for fracking has been blown away by falling oil prices…

PM:…nonsense, we are a small island and we need all the energy we can get. Sometimes you chaps view the short-term business case at the expense of the long term investment…

TS:…as in the HS2 project, you mean?

PM: Precisely. I mean let’s be clear about this, the only alternative to HS2 would be some kind of hare-brained project to drag Manchester closer to London….

TS:…or move more Government into regional offices….

PM: But that’s been tried before and failed. Look here, if you want to attract the very best talent, I mean – for goodness sake – they don’t want to be in Lancashire do they? It’s time we all faced facts here: you simply cannot expect chaps at the top of the tree to subsist on eating out at Wetherspoons or the Rovers Return. No, world class thinkers simply must have access to The Ivy, and Harvey Nichols. I’m sorry and all that, but as Prime Minister, I have to deal in realities.

TS: Well what about derivatives in relation to oil?

PM: Actually I think a great many things can be derived from oil…such as gas, make-up, plastic and…

TS: No Mr Cameron, I mean derivative oil contracts coming back to hit the banks – who will then make an enormous loss in the light of 60 dollar oil.

DC: Well, I think we have to draw a line under this derivatives nonsense. People have been telling us that they’re going to bankrupt the financial system, but it’s never happened and so obviously it’s not going to. We need to think positively about the good things that come from banks…

TS: OK, I agree. Can you just outline some of those advantages for the viewers?

DC: Well haha, look here, that’s a job for the bankers themselves. But don’t forget that each and every year the banks pay some £140bn in tax. That’s the NHS budget right there. So without bankers, there’d be no NHS. Do you follow?

TS: Not really Prime Minister, no. Without bankers, the National Debt would be only two thirds of what it is now. And the National Debt is 14 NHSs, right there, if I may use your phrase.

DC: Well quite, but that’s precisely why we’ve all got to pull our socks up and get out there exporting British stuff…

TS: Out where exactly, Prime Minister?

DC: Well, I think all decent, middle of the road citizens of this country recognise that our future lies in the European Union, because…

TS: But the eurozone economies are either flatlining or going backwards….

DC: Well there is that, but you see only by going backwards can they undertake root and branch reform and then make a fresh start with a clean slate…

TS:…but they’re all mired in debt Mr Cameron…

DC: I think debt and credit is another of those perenniel bogey men beloved of the Left. Without debt and credit, businesses cannot make the sort of investments they need. They are a vital part of contemporary capitalism…the only alternative to which, as we know, is a bloated State sector in which the dead are left unburied, and ghastly people with Yorkshire accents fight policeman and then the next thing you know, we’ve got…

TS: Prime Minister, you are on the record as saying that New Labour government debt went out of control, but here you are saying it’s a good thing. Which of these two opposing views is correct do you think?

DC:…with the greatest respect Mr Slog, they are not opposed: all Government spending is bad, and all banker spending is good. Bankers invest in our future and drive the economy, whereas Governments waste money…

TS:..you mean like £52bn on a rail link nobody wants?

DC: Please don’t put words into my mouth, no I mean they waste money on welfare addicts and…

TS:..like £780 billion bailing the banks out you mean?

DC: I think the Chancellor has made it clear on several occasions in the House that it is a disgrace for taxpayers to bail out the banks, and that in future that responsibility will pass to the creditors…

TS:…who are all taxpayers – the same people in fact…

DC: Look, let me speak plainly here: this is just more scare-mongering. Ordinary hard-working, taxpaying, church-going Conservatives will be the last in line when it comes to any bailin…

TS:…but as by definition banks go bust because they’re massively in debt and can’t leverage the assets to meet them, in the end all the creditors will have to pay, won’t they?

DC: Well, I think you’re forgetting the guarantee scheme which enables all not very rich people to be protected up to £85,000, and if they’ve got more than that in their bank accounts, then they’re rich aren’t they?

TS: I see, so you’re saying only the rich will have to pay for the banks going bust?

DC: Yes. No. I mean, some people who are rich will have to pay, yes, of course they will. But others won’t.

TS: Again, can you give us some examples?

DC: Well obviously, the bankers themselves. I mean someone’s got to run the banking system and it’s a very skilled job, you can’t have any Tom, Dick or Harry doing it. I mean where would we be if incompetent people were in charge?

TS: Where we are now?

DC: Nonsense. British banking makes an enormous contribution to our gdp….

TS:…and our National Debt…

DC:…that’s not true if you look at the long term. I mean over the decades we’ve had some almighty cock-ups in the City, but generally speaking the net contribution made to the Conservative Party by these people is really very impressive, and I think that alone makes a powerful case.

TS: For what exactly?

DC: Leaving them to get on with their jobs without lots of hairy journalists asking impertinent questions all the time.

TS: Alright, Prime Minister…just one final question if I may?

DC: Of course you may…this is a free country with a level playing field where even those from the most humble background can reach the top – even ginger women. Ginger women can and do defeat resentful Guardian journalists who make false accusations, because justice comes to their aid and they are exonerated on all charges despite their gingerness.

TS: Quite. Mr Cameron, you promised to reduce immigration and you haven’t.

DC: Well you see, that’s not been necessary. Because of our hugely successful housing programme, very soon everyone in this country who’s prepared to roll up their socks and pull up their roots will have a home.

TS: Yes, but what are they going to eat?

DC: I’m sorry?

TS: Well, if we’re not growing anything any more because Britain’s covered in houses and people, what are they going to eat?

DC: I’m afraid you’ve lost me there. I have plenty to eat because like any other ordinary hard-pressed Englishman I go down to Tesco assuming they’re still in business and buy the food….

TS: Most of which is imported…and making our deficit even worse.

DC: Oh. right….I seeeeee. You’re one of those dopey people who live in trees and tunnels and think we should all go back to the Middle Ages. OK, I’m with you now. Look, let me be clear: the idea that this country can support itself with agriculture is cloud cuckoo land – what we need is more houses for immigrants and buildings for more businesses and more banks making more money to pay for the imports that keep the supermarkets going and everyone well-fed. It’s a far more sensible use of the land available, and absolutely foolproof.

TS: Fine, but bear with me for a minute. Let’s imagine a scenario in which Britain is insolvent and can’t pay for its imports any more…

DC:…yes but that can’t happen because our long term economic plan is working…

TS:…and so there’s no food to eat.

DC: Right. Well, you see that is exactly what will happen if we let Labour have another go at ruining our economy, and bring us to the brink of bankruptcy.

TS: Right, fair enough. Let’s just suppose the British people make a terrible mistake and vote Mr Miliband into Downing Street, and Britain goes bust and then you have to take over. What are people going to eat?

DC: We have given this a great deal of thought, as it happens. My colleague Mr Duncan-Smith in particular has presented a case to the Cabinet, jointly authored by the Health Service saviour Mr Hunt. And in the event of such a terrible scenario visited upon us by the vandalism of the Labour Party, we would put emergency plans into operation.

TS: I see, Can you tell us something about these plans?

DC: Well, it’s early days yet and some of the eyes haven’t been crossed yet, but broadly speaking the strategy would be to make all UK citizens switch to the Atkins Diet. Mr Hunt assures me that it would have side-benefits in that people would lose weight and thus be fit for work on zero-hours contracts.

TS: Er…so we all eat lots of meat and don’t import any veg?

DC: Exactly.

TS: So….where does the meat come from?

DC: Oh, you know – here and there. You’d be amazed, once you look at the numbers involved, just how rich in meat Britain is. We have more meat per square mile in this country than any other developed nation in Europe. When needs must and we have to take the tough decisions, one must play to one’s strengths. And our big strength is the Meat Incidence Index.

TS: Really? So, what is this meat mainly then?

DC: People.

TS: People?

DC: Yes. Well, immigrants to be more precise.

TS: You’re actually suggesting we become cannibals?

DC: Not exclusively, no. Dog meat is quite tasty, as any Korean will tell you. And don’t use that C word in such a pejorative manner. Cannibalism has had a bad press over the years, but to adopt this dietary change now solves all our problems at a stroke, as dear old Sailor Ted the importunist once said.

TS: I’m sorry….what problems would it solve?

DC: Well look, let me be plainly straightforward and honest here. It’s obvious that the EU aren’t going to budge on the free-movement of labour clause. And as you yourself have said, we are a tad top-heavy on population in these islands. So we can put ourselves back at the centre of Europe by saying as many immigrants can come as they like, but what we’ll actually do is live off them…rather than them living off us. Also, it will free up more hospital beds.

TS: Er…that’s a bit random…how?

DC: Well every immigrant using NHS hospital services will be offered voluntary euthanasia in return for a small bounty to be paid to their families. I mean, there’s already a thriving sector in organs, so really this is just a development of an existing market.

TS: And if they don’t want voluntary euthanisia?

DC: Ah right, yes, well all those immigrants not ticking the Yes box would join our fast-track treatment programme.

TS: I see. What would that entail?

DC: Mercy killing.

TS: What?

DC: Well, they’re ill in hospital, so they’re at our mercy. So we kill them. It’s simply a mercy killing, to put them out of their misery.

TS: And that frees up the hospital beds…

DC:..now you’re getting the hang of it. And of course, once word gets around that we’re eating the immigrants, they’ll stop coming. And once that gets to a certain point, we’ll start to retrain our youth to ensure full employment. They’ll all go onto obligatory schemes which will be entirely free, although they won’t be paid prior to qualification.

TS: And if they don’t get paid, what will they eat?

DC: Each other. You see, some scroungers will waste our time and refuse to learn and be declared a nuisance by ATOS or G4S or somebody equally adept at this sort of thing. So they’ll be killed, and eaten. It should all balance out rather well.

TS: You’re mad.

DC: Mad is a relative term, my friend: we prefer to think of it as realism. We are prepared to face up to the tough decisions. And we’re not eating real British people here, don’t forget. Just immigrants.

TS: And when all the immigrants have been eaten?

DC: We’ve thought of that. You see, Theresa thinks there’ll be a rush for the exit as soon as a news organisation – News International for instance – blows the gaff. Mr Hunt agrees, aguing that the faster the immigrants fuck off, the better. So then we’ll have to look at…shall we say, other sources of meat.

TS: You are completely insane.

DC: You say insane, I say humane. Once all their parents have been eaten, who on earth is going to look after the immigrant children left behind? They can’t all go onto welfare and the school system is already overcrowded…

TS:…so you’ll kill them too?

DC: Absolutely. Market segmentation, don’t you know. There’ll always be a market for those who prefer the veal end of the spectrum.

TS: And I suppose they’ll go to camps with signs like ‘Stength through Joy’ over the entrance?

DC: Good Lord, no. After we’ve built all those houses to house the immigrants, there’ll be no room left for such places. No, the children will go into hospital for emergency cancer treatment. This will not only put Jeremy’s treatment targets up handsomely, the therapy will unfortunately fail.

TS: So once all the immigrants are dead, what happens to all the houses left empty?

DC: They’ll be sold to property developers.

TS: Wouldn’t it be easier to just give them to the homeless?

DC: Well you see, that would be the Socialist solution…and then we’d be back to millions of Council Houses again.

TS: You really are completely tonto, aren’t you?

DC: Ha hahahaha…listen, if you think I’m bad, you should hear Michael Fallon going off on one. He’s priceless.

TS: I’ll skip that one, thanks all the same. Thank you for being so, enlightening Prime Minister.

DC: Not at all, my pleasure. Any thoughts on how you might head this piece?

TS: Oh – you know, one or two. I thought perhaps ‘Cameron asserts that eating people should be on the political menu’.

DC: That’s really rather good. But you won’t use that will you? I mean, nobody would believe you…and, er, you’d be banged up immediately for being a non-violent extremist.

TS: And what would that make you?

DC: A tough patriot and a great leader.

TS: Right. Well thanks again Mr Cameron…

DC: Dave. Please, call me Dave…

TS:…yeeeees, well goodbye then….

Exit The Slog stage left. The Prime Minister smiles, and then reaches over to his top security intercom. He presses the button, and hisses

“Keeel heeeem”

Yesterday at The Slog: Small problem in Britain’s post offices