3rd January 2015

As I dismissed Old Rope the retainer from my service today for spilling not one but two blobs of gravy onto our best dinner tablecloth hand-fashioned by small, multiply abused children from Uzbeckistan, I was appalled to read yet more tittle-tattle on the subject of Prince Andrew’s entirely innocent and loyal relationship with the greatly admired wealth-creator Jeffrey Epstein. When oh when oh when will these ghastly tabloid hobgoblins grasp that poking their bulbous alcohol-purpled noses into things that do not concern them can only end in floods of tears for a Windsor dynasty that has for many decades fully embraced modern values of global business needs? I shudder to think. Indeed, some days, I don’t think at all: the pain of doing so is simply too traumatic.

4th January 2015

Today I read:

‘A couple who weigh more than 54 stone between them and claim £2,000 a month in benefits because they are ‘too fat to work’ have blamed the Government for making it too easy for them. Stephen Beer and Michelle Coombe, are from Plymouth, Devon, where 60 per cent of adults are overweight. Mr Beer, who has been married six times, weighs 31 stone and has not worked in five years. He relies on carers to come in twice a day to clean and dress him.’

I have the perfect answer to their problem: they can come and work for me. They will lose weight purely because – as has been my habit for may years now – I shall not pay them – reneging on any and all promises so to do. Thus they shall not be able to eat.

This is the way true free-market economics work: useless bureaucrats are tossed aside and private benefactors such as myself take up the slack. I think of it as Trickle-Down Economics in action: these ghastly people have had food poured into them, and I will reduce it to, at best, a trickle.

5th January 2015

I had my old chum Arianna Onassis-Bentley to stay for the weekend. Poor dear, she is in a terrible state at the thought of this jumped-up Bolshie Alexis Chipshop or whatever his silly name is getting into power in Greece. Can you imagine what an appalling mess such a man would make of Greece after all the hard work done by the Germans to get that essentially stupid nation back on the right track?

You have to hand it to the Hun, he doesn’t stand any nonsense. Woflgang Schäuble can’t stand at all on account of having been shot in the privates, but that’s not what I mean: there’s no toleration of slacking by your Germans. Heini spotted the taverna tendency living high off the hog, and in four years flat he has reduced the populace to nibbling at the rubbish bins. That’s what I call efficiency.

Arianna is pinning all her hopes on George Poopandribble coming to the Nation’s rescue once more with his new movement. We have always called GAP ‘Fog’ in my family, because he’s thick and wet. Indeed, it is typical of George that the new Party’s positioning is such flim-flam fish nor fowl, nobody can make their minds up whether he will steal votes from the Left or the Right.

I do hope Arianna isn’t going to get her hopes up too much. But I shall, of course, comfort her in an intimate manner should the need arise.

6th January 2015

I do so wish Britain’s appalling Lefties would leave self-starter and NHS enthusiast Jeremy Hunt alone. God knows, he has worked unstintingly for affordable health provision, even if his better instincts are to let the lower orders drown in an alcoholic sink of their own making. Just because in the two weeks over Christmas, 20,962 Accident and Emergency patients waited up to 12 hours on trolleys – almost four times as many as the 5,573 over the same period last year – we can hardly blame Jeremy for this: he did after all inherit this mess from that appalling man Andrew Lansley.

So it was good to see him coming back at his critics on Twitter today as follows:

Good for you Jezzer….that’s telling ’em!