If we cannot persuade our politicians to stop taking money from lowlifers, surely it must be possible to pass a law demanding that their sponsors do at least get some publicity in return for bankrolling arse-lickers?

For instance, when Jeremy Hunt stands up to express his eternal and undying love for the NHS, surely he should have a dayglo neon thing atop his head that announces “Brought to you by Baroness Frunt-Botham, Lords spokesperson for BUPA”. Or better still, “This Newscorp verdict sponsored by Groucho Club Bigwig JJ Lewis, intimate client photography a speciality”.

How refreshing it would be to have George Osborne rise to give his Autumn Statement with a message on his pullover saying “Pasty face and dilated pupils courtesy of White Lines of Colombia plc”.

Ed Balls would be forced to reply to the Chancellor bearing the legend, “Sponsored by two hedge funds formerly known as the Cooperative Society”. Both Lord Mandelson and Nick Clegg would have emblazoned on the back of their suit jackets “Robotic support of EU courtesy of EC Pension largesse”.

This is all part of my relentless drive for more honesty in public life, and the criminalisation of everything to do with, um, everything that doesn’t involve bad behaviour by rich people who simply could not be expected to survive the trauma of a prison system for which they are not responsible. Some examples here would include members of the public wearing arrow-covered uniforms bearing such messages as:

Subject of convincing Guardian article about known homophobes

No smoke without fire they said I raped her nudge-nudge

Barman of the Cage & Parrot says I was an Elm House regular

Scumbag named & shamed by Mark Williams-Thomas

Then, you see, I think we’d all know where we stood, who to spit on, who deserved to get 55 years for workplace sexual harassment, and so forth. Just think how many neer-do-wells would leave Parliament. Just think of the money we’d save on the justice system.

Earlier: Chad Evans: just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse…