Merkel family heirloom heartlessly destroyed by terrorists

All-out Jihadist war was declared on Germany this afternoon when members of the ISISbollahAlJ’olson Alliance forced their way into Angela Merkel’s Berlin apartment and destroyed her fridge.

(Left) Exploding fridge rocks Berlin. (Reconstruction)

Shouting “Allah Aqbar, death to the Unbelievers who eat the sausage of the pig”, three men wearing Woolworth’s Surplus black towels on their heads detonated the fridge before making good their ecape on a tandem bicycle. In a press release ten minutes earlier, NATO commanders confirmed the existence of a threatening email claiming Frau Dr Merkel had “insulted the Prophet by turning up in Paris trying deliberately to look exactly like her Charlie Hebdo cartoon”.

“We shall not rest,” said a grim-faced General Z. H. Ehrlichman Jr, “Until the perpetrators of this cruel attack have been brought to justice by dying before they can face trial”.

Her gleaming white reptilian teeth clearly visible as she shed copious tears, Reichskanzlerin Mutti told a spontaneously pre-arranged press conference, “Some of the sausages in that fridge were collectors’ items…and the fridge itself has been with me since the last days of the Soviet Union during which I escaped inside it in order to become leader of the CDU. I truly cannot conceive of the cruelty of those who planned this heinous deed”.

In a Berlin vigil planned for tonight, Merkel’s loyal German subjects plan to stand peacefully wearing teeshirts bearing the legend “Ich bin auch Geli Wursto”. Also in Greece, thousands gathered in Athens to pay their respects in recognition of the German leader’s loss:

Earlier at The Slog: Will Tupperware finally see off the human race?