This morning, the London FTSE index is higher. The reasons given are (1) Tesco is ‘resurgent’ and (2) there’s going to be QE in the eurozone.

Just to recap here: first, Tesco is in deep doo-doo, and the new chap has been in the job for slightly more than a nano-second. Thus far, there is not one iota of empirical evidence to suggest that anything in the supermarket sector has changed in Tesco’s favour – and thus nothing suggesting a buy signal. Second, I too am sure that Draghi will have his QE: but the Bundesbank’s dislike of it will not go away, the Swiss central bank thinks it is doomed to fail….and every last shred of evidence since 2008 backs the Zurich gnomes.

When people ask me why I am so anti the world’s overdependence on bourses as a means of “raising capital” I simply trot out facts like those above. The stock market as a viable means of capitalist renewal is right up there with Islamism as a means of drawing a not entirely discreet veil over the agenda. QE for market traders and banks is free money: nothing more, nothing less. Islamism for blokes is an excuse to dump on women and behave badly.

My proposal remains: let’s choose an isolated spot somewhere in Iran – there’s no shortage of them – and let Al QE’dya fight it out with Al Q’aida. Anyone alive at the end of the battle shall be killed with extreme mercy and prejudice.

It’s all bollocks and that’s official