FT May 19th 2014: ‘Britain says it will include prostitution and illegal drugs in its official national accounts for the first time. The move is one of the changes planned that will add up to 5% to the UK’s gross domestic product.’

Well it’s good to see that Osborne’s long, um, economic plan is working, and this sort of entrepreneurial approach can add 5% to our dramatic recovery. A long-term investor in the drugs-to-hookers plc group Mobritannia, George’s other hobby is of course chucking £430bn at the banking industry QE, and this too was counted last year when charting the never-ending success of British input, sorry, output.

In out and shake it all about, that’s what we say here at Lowerthetone News. We’re wondering if turning one’s recreational activities into gdp could catch on. Certainly, Prince Andrew has been doing his bit over the years, but one thinks too of the potential of the Westminster 650 in terms of property development, embezzlement, pollution-stats bending and so forth.

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And in international news, Francois Hollande is in training already for his post-Presidency career:

Yes, forward-looking Monsieur Hollande is relaunching as the Saucy Socialist Frankie Dutch.

“On the ‘ockey now wy-aye an’ it’s Frankie biddun to become Champyon of the Bar Brassree Lea-yagg, best of order nooo lairdies an’ gentalmun…Frankie, you requiya trible nine’een forra playass in the semi-feenal…”

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And now, today’s Lowerthetone Ruthikorwot feature.

The Texas oil outlook measure plummeted today, and this was the response of one of the industry’s top opinion leaders:

“The warm weather is having an effect on our product, as we sell cold weather products”

But in an attempt to outdo this US drivel with our own home-grown genuinely British bollocks, a caring sharing chap asked on Twitter today:

As Sophie Tucker once said to a Harvard researcher with his head up his ass, “Trust me kid, I bin rich an I bin poor, an rich is bedder”.

Cue sarcatire moment: ‘The Bishop of Cant & Bury gave his Sunday sermon yesterday, asking his flock, “What will it benefit a man if he make a billion quid and yet become a gargoyle on the side of this church?”

A parishioner replied, “That he could afford to run the central heating, and was made famous in death”.

Discuss, with particular reference to the etymological derivations of mammory and Mammon.

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Finally, Tip for the Top from Lowerthetone News + + + + +…we think this young man has a great future ahead of him:

Look, if a news conglomerate like this isn’t prepared to stick its neck out, then what is the point Sybil?

Yesterday at The Slog: The Leatherwhip-on-Botham perspective