One of the things that has, from an early age, struck me about English-English – as opposed to Global/US English – is its ability to use completely inappropriate adjectives and adverbs….and yet somehow get away with it.

We English refer to something hateful as being “perfectly ghastly”. This strikes me as oxymoronic – a bit like saying “Heavenly purgatory” – but it has a very common usage among the English upper-middle classes. Similar to this is “frightfully sweet”: I’ve never been able to work out why a little kitten might be terrifying, but somehow my Island Race sees it that way.

So I thought tonight – this being Saturday, when all bankers and politicians are at home and therefore nothing of a ghastly perfection is likely to happen – it might be amusingly informative to broaden the usage of such odd linguistic opposites.

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Take for example the current Greco-Brussels negotiations. One might describe these as flawlessly irrelevant. Or when it comes to the combatants, perhaps one could refer to Jeroen Dijsselbloem’s tonsorial arrangements as seriously risible.

The question of Ukraine is ripe for such nonsense. Let’s not beat about the bush here: I think it’s glaringly difficult for western journalists to pin all the blame on Putin, but at the same time confusingly obvious that’s exactly what they want to do.

When it comes to the British Economic Recovery, its existence is myopically clear while at the same time mystical in its clarity.

Job creation stats in the US, meanwhile, are completely imprecise while at the same time offering credible falsehoods that will surely offer the markets reassuring uncertainty.

You know, I think a third career lies ahead of me as a Guru commentator on all things geopolitical and investment related. This seems to me an inconspicuously blatant truth.

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Today is Valentine’s Day, but as with so much that remains legend, Valentine had pretty well nothing whatsoever to do with leeuurrrve.  According to the official biography of the Diocese of Terni, Bishop Valentine was born and lived in Interamna and was imprisoned and tortured in Rome on February 14, 273, while on a temporary stay there. His body was hastily buried at a nearby cemetery, and then disciples retrieved his body and returned him home.

We have no idea why he was tortured, and zero evidence that anything in his life was associated with the encouragement of romantic love between two people. This concerns me. I think of a distant future in which Adolf the Great might have a day all to himself – during which citizens on either side of a border post celebrate the spontaneous joining together of nations. Or another day devoted to the worship of Queen Maggie the Handbag, who alone foretold the mortal danger of giving untrammeled power to City bankers. And if such be possible, then we must not forget the  venerable life of St Boris of Londinium, whose timely purchase of water cannon saved the philanthropic rich of his City State from the vengeful ingratitude of the Mob.

Earlier at The Slog: Is Jeroen Dijsselbloem a complete cock or what?