Drunken Putin bites ear off Ukraine in misogynist rampage. Feminist Anti-drink campaigners in Chelmsford tonight claimed they had “irrefutable evidence” that serial rapist Vladimir Rasputin of Russia had bitten off the left-side hearing apparatus of Ukraine in a vicious attack while under the influence of four gallons of lead-free Stolichnaya Vodka.The Chelsmford Observer & Gleaner Incorporating South Woodham Anarchist Weekly quoted sources close to the Urals as confirming Vlad Dog Putin’s attack on one of the country’s crucial tympanic listening devices.

Isis funded by Chelsea fans claims Daily Express. The action of Chelsea fans in not allowing a black person who might have been Jewish onto a Paris Metro train represents “the unacceptable face of racism” said a hard-hitting Express Opinion column today. “As we all know perfectly well,” the Express OpEd continued, “the vast majority of Chelsea supporters are law-abiding towel head haters”, but now was surely the time to imprison fellow travellers chanting hateful things like ‘Osborne takes his coke-hit up the arse’.

The Express concluded by suggesting that all those who doubt the Charlie Hebdo bollocks or the Greece/EU negotitations cobblers should be ‘held indefinitely as an example to others of a similar dangerously independent mind’.

Grexit will usher in era of milk & honey in eurozone says small slice of Dutch Edam. Edam Cheese slice and infamous Amsterdam society tonsorial artiste impersonator Jereboam Drizzleboom told media sauces last night he remained convinced that “taking shitty-tasting Greek cheese out of the equation” would herald a new chapter in the glorious history of the euro. “We shall be delighted to rid ourselves of these peasants,” said Mr Dinglebong, “and, in the spirit of European unity, condemn them to purgatory somewhere between Europe and Asia, which let’s face it is where these misfits belong”.

Heir to UK throne bitch pokes plate to worldwide acclaim. In an astonishing outburst of spontaneous creativity yesterday, Prince William’s wife Catherine of Middleton-near-Rochdale was declared “a natural Stokie” as she tried her hand at pottery while visiting a ceramics factory. Workers were said to have been “thrilled” as Keystone Kate made a wobbly, useless plate at her very first attempt. Mrs Cambridge is expecting another child at some point soon. She laughed while telling Royal news leeches that she had no idea whether the child would come by Fedex, UPS or “good old Royal Mail”.