I am not keen on all this contemporary hypocrisy resulting in c**t, a**e*ole, M**doch and other similarly starred oaths. My suggestion is that a code be developed along the lines of cockney rhyming slang, save only that it should be perfectly obvious to all the Wimmin Sisters of No Mercy etc what the word is really meant to be.

For example, arsehole would be replaced by insole. ‘Lord Mandelsod takes it up the insole’ serves as a contextual exemplar here, while doubling as a fascinating perversion. ‘Mandy Fumblebum is a complete Canute’. ‘Lord Mandelson of Coy is a screaming old fridge packer’. And so forth.

Another irritation is Harmish, the language spoken by popular beat combos such as Hattie Harperson and Her Harpies, John & The Birtists and other equally infamous acts. I think we are, most of us, all personed, harrassed and Msed out. Taken to its illogical conclusion, Harmish produces impenetrable sayings such as ‘We have too many chairs and not enough native Americans’.

What think the rest of you? Is no person a water-surrounded landmass? Are a surfeit of food-preparing operatives spoiling the hot vegetational stock-based melange?