For those of you who missed it, the most hard-up Army in the world (and its sixth biggest) now also has the most deskbound officers per squaddie. It is thus ready to take its place alongside the police, the NHS, State Education and Social Care as an organisation that will be all pc chiefs and no native Americans.
The following MoD document leaked from somewhere or other, probably because New Labour didn’t fix the roof when it was sunny.
Join me now in reading about Operation Privates, the Top bananas’ plan to bring the Army into line with other institutions in Cruel Britannia….

MOST SECRET

To: Chair, OpPriv Steering Group

Subject: Outline roadmap flags – final critical path

Following Joint Comdesk’s e of 23.11.09, and ongoing person-to-person interfaces with Asst CinC’s, Dep Brigs, Lieut-Cols & Level 7 Strategic Syntax Liaison Command (SSLC), bullet-point discussion-subjects of agreed upwards-moving flagpole movement (prior to head-to-hand agreement acknowledgements) are presented below.

1. Branding agency Blue Funk to be given go-ahead on rebranding exercise, estimated cost £31.7M. Deputy Chair Deckchairs expressed concern at proposed new name configuration. She felt Neutral Status Maintenance Operatives (NSMOs) lacked purposeful functionality in the action space. Discuss.
2. General approval strategy of ensuring all NCOs are gay, pregnant or pacifist. Await approval from Colonels, Majors, Captains, and lieutenants.
3. Unanimous support for Community Support Fodder Officers initiative. Guidelines remain as is, viz, all CSFOs to be completely clueless and untrained in all aspects of attack, defence, siege, artillery, guns, grenades, shells, arrows, slings, catapults, conkers, smacks etc
4. Outline agreement that under no circumstances should troops come to aid of allies, as this may compromise our neutrality positioning.
5. Debate re whether NSMOs should intervene in the event of a confirmed UK-invasion event. GB CinC asked what point army of surrender-monkeys. GB CinC censured for aggressive crypto-rape testosterone tendencies.
6. Grudging acceptance that no NSMO should be expected to (a) expect death, injury, or loss of self-esteem (b) interface with fear (c) concur with orders (d) advance (e) sign anything what might be you know held against them and shit or (f) face attacks from towel-head weirdos using live ammo I mean what are they like?
7. Overall accord with creation of Ofsquad, a combined-ops arbitration and monitoring service with mission to maximise the realisation of World Class NSMO Actions.
8. Signatories accepted that there should be an internal market in the newly rebranded organisation. The Vth Gay Hussars would be allowed to buy their weaponry from the XVIIth Boil Lancers, and the latter in turn to purchase tanks from the IXth Armoured Symphony.
9. Some concern re liaison between ranks given the proposed privatisation of privates. But Head of MoD/Real World engagement confirmed that the new structure would conform with agreed standards for public/private ownership transfer guidelines. Thus Other Ranks will own rifles, but NCOs will own ammo and Captains will own ships. Majors will own barracks and barrack-room lawyers will own parade grounds, while Sergeant-Majors will own up to bullying, and Corporal punishment will be disowned.
10. Insistence by 2inC Harman that glass air-cover to be removed immediately, with Crack Wimmin troops to face only most affirmative action. Enthusiastic agreement all male ranks, and unanimous motion passed that 2inC should lead affirmative attack on next unattainable objective in pursuit of futile gesture.

Ends.