It’s official: Tories and Labour neck and neck on Out of Touch

The Three Stooges

The week has started with Labour triumphalism about a Tory cock-up. But the triumphalism is misplaced: both main Parties now look stupid.

How many pregnant teenagers does it take to create a Broken Britain? The Tories think the number is somewhere between 19% and 54%. So one in five pregnant 15-17 year olds, they argue, is the sign of a healthy society. Oh dear.

But Labour – having spotted the Tory decimal point not behaving very conservatively – say that 54 per thousand is perfectly satisfactory.

This morning The Guardian has been laughing loudly at the Tories’ poor maths – and the boys from the playing fields richly deserve the drubbing. Ed Balls in particular is beside himself – he is quoted as saying:

“The Tories think 54% of teenage girls in deprived areas get pregnant. Ha-ha-ha-ha. How out of touch they are.Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Can you imagine that?”

The Loony

Sadly, while a Tory pamphleteer has merely shown that he/she can’t add up (that’s Comprehensive Education for you) Fat Eddie has shown that he doesn’t know which way is up.

In non-deprived areas, two girls in every thousand get pregnant in the 15-17 age range. The figure, Mr Balls, is three times higher in deprived communities. That’s kids aged fifteen to seventeen, o Tweetmeister. Between five and six per thousand with (on your own figures) a poverty-stricken minor population of eight million in the UK. That’s 240 unwanted kids in one two-year span…each and every year.

For a decade, you just multiply by ten. But after fifteen years (gerrit Ed?) compound interest kicks in. And this has been going on for thirty years already.

There are 95-100,000 kids in care. Thirty years ago there were 6,000.

That’s maths, Ed Balls. Maths about the people you’re supposed to be protecting, and from whom balanced, productive citizens are supposed to emerge.

The Tories are clowns. But New Labourists are idiots. This is democratic choice, 2010. As the Sutch Candidate in Michael Howard’s constituency hilariously yelled on getting 54 votes in 2005, “It’s a loony landslide!”

Related articles: Harmanballs.