EU Commissioner for Home Affairs Cecilia Malmström today said that deportation flights should “carry human rights monitors to check on the safety of failed asylum seekers who have been forcibly removed”.

Presumably all flights should also carry management observers to ensure that the cabin crew are hitting drinks-dispensing targets, working alongside Health & Safety inspectors to measure the blood/alcohol levels of all those consuming any liquid above 3.3% ABV. Back-up flight crews will be obligatory in order to reduce crash risks. Also in future, all passengers must be accompanied by witnesses to any complaints they might make as a result of which airlines might be sued. All proposed anti-terrorist guards will be shadowed by watchdogs to ensure no violence is employed to overpower insane Islamists, and all lavatories will contain nurses to check that people are pooing in accordance with clinical excellence guidelines.

Alerted to the consequent problem of directives allowing no room for any passengers as such, Vice-Deputy Commerce Commissioner Hilda Semprini is expected this week to approve a Euros 840 billion subsidy to all national airlines as a temporary economic convention in the context of landing lights on the route-map to full EU support for all air-based travel systems.