Common New Labour Masonic Purpose finally unmasked.

In yet another Slog triumph, sources close to the All England Lawn Tennis Club have confirmed that Boris Becker and Boris Johnson were separated shortly after being born, as part of an evil behaviourist child-snatching experiment master-minded by Common Purpose. Now, in this world-exclusive blogbuster, they are separated by quite a bit of bold type too.

In a remarkable series of revelations early this morning, it emerged that Boris Johnson and Boris Becker are in fact twin brothers sold to Wimbledon Social Services by the shadowy child-trafficker Herbert Galitieri in 1959, en route to building a model of the European Union in a closely-guarded network of tunnels beneath Goose Green.

“Their real names were Nikita and Dwight,” world-famous State-napping investigator Brian Gerrish told The Slog, “and their surname was Boothby. It was part of an MI5 plot to intimidate Oswald Mosley, but it all went wrong and that’s why we fought the Falklands War it was nothing to do with oil at all a bloke in the pub told me will this be on the main evening news?”

Gerrish alleges that the two babies were nicknamed Boris 1 and Boris 2, and the then head of Common Purpose Winston Churchill conspired with Masonic Judges to place them into care with Wimbledon Social Services. Boris 1 was sold on with the secret instruction to nail a tennis racket to his hand and have Slazenger Grade II balls thrown at him from 7 am to 9 pm; while Boris 2 was to be force-fed Turkish Delight, and brainwashed into believing that he was bright and destined to run London. They were sold to wealthy families in Southern England and Germany respectively.

But the plan backfired when – despite the intensive programme of habituation – Boris Johnson realised he was shit at tennis, and Boris Becker couldn’t speak English. They ran away without any collusion except Zoggan mindmeld to become the other one, and the rest is history. Brian Gerrish explains again:

“Have you ever seen Boris Johnson’s right hand? He hides it cleverly by wearing shirts that are far too long for his arms. That’s so you don’t see the scar where the tennis racket was nailed to his hand. And he has an unhealthy interest in Robert Peston, another Common Purpose man. Have you ever seen Boris Becker in a Turkish restaurant? Well there you are then: he has a manic fear of Turkish Delight. And they both shag women in broom cupboards. He was recruited into Common Purpose by Sarah Brown. He’s being groomed to run the EU once Common Purpose take over the EU and reveal their secret real identity: Common Purpose.”

Quivering in fear at the thought of yet another mind-blowing scoop from The Slog, Number Ten dismissed our story out of hand as the ‘deluded ramblings of a fool’. This raised our suspicions, as the comment we’d asked for concerned the policy promises made the previous day by Gordon Brown. They had clearly been expecting us to face them with the Gerrish revelations, and had thus read the prepared lie on auto-pilot. We let them stew for an hour two, allowing time for the realisation of their ghastly mistake to sink in.

Then, just one hour ago, a panic-stricken Alistair Campbell rang to ‘explain’ that ‘deluded ramblings of a fool’ was Election Team-Labour code for ‘brilliant economic analysis by a world-saviour’; whereas the Gerrish story did indeed represent the deluded ramblings of a fool.

“We get a lot of this sort of thing at the start of April” laughed Campbell, nervously, “Hence the confusion. I’m sure you understand”.

I think we do. The Secret State has had another narrow escape. But we will triumph in the end. Same time, same place, next year.