King Gordon, generous patron and vindictive enemy.

With gongs about to be dished out at the end of the most corrupt and ineffectual Parliament in history, it is time to reward some and punish others. If, that is, you’re Gordon Brown, the supreme fixer.

Apparently, the man who thinks he helped the army (when he actually starved it of funds) blocked an attempt by David Cameron to make former army chief Sir Richard Dannatt a Tory peer. As a senior officer, Dannat was a persistent critic of Brown, and leaked endlessly after the PM’s mendacious Chilcot evidence – in a vain attempt to wake up the braindead hacks of Wapping and all points beyond.

But Gordon is a different man when it comes to his favourites in the Knitting Circle of Darkness. His closest allies merit hours of his time – even during a knife-edge election campaign – if they can be placed in positions of power. He used the mediaeval patronage technique to get Ed Balls into the Commons and Peter ‘Lord’ Mandelson into the Lords. And last week he joined a meeting specifically
designed to confirm the plan to impose a shortlist on a constituency that willsecure a seat for. The former MP Chris Leslie. Leslie ran Mr Brown’s leadership campaign in 2007 (easy to do when the opponents are all too scared to stand) and it set to replace John Heppellin Nottingham East….just as a perfectly decent MP was kicked upstairs to make way for the Beast of Ballsup.

In turn, Gordon’s Dissolution Honours list is expected to make John Prescott a peer – payback time for the bulimic one’s machinations during the Let’s Knife Tony period in 2006-7. There will also, I understand, be gongs for some of the worst fiddlers and flippers in the land.

Watch not what the buggers say, but what they do. Further comment on the nature of Gordon Brown is unnecessary.