The daily dose of research into what will kill us is now beyond parody. I’d be willing to bet that, like the unlovely Robert Winnett at the Telegraph and his expenses niche, there are hacks throughout the world whose every article begins ‘Doctors say’…or for even more power, ‘Experts find’. Personally I think most experts need to go off and find themselves, and doctors never say anything of interest, but there you are.

The latest life-coaching to emerge from the media is not to snack at midnight, because then you’ll use the wrong kind of saliva and your teeth will fall out or something equally terrible. Thus is another of life’s pleasures removed in order that we should all live forever and finally witness the triumph of Islam. I’d really rather not on the whole.

The sad thing about these stories is that they work. On the BBC’s most-read and emailed stories this morning, straight into the charts at Number Five is ‘Midnight snacks bad for teeth say experts’. I’ve no idea at all why. Anyway, Dr Slog’s advice is:

1. Don’t snack on nuts and bolts at midnight because this will damage your teeth, and also kill you.
2. To avoid damaging your teeth, take the bloody things out.