At the End of the Day

I can now exclusively reveal that Qu*** El**a**** the S***** of G**** B****** and the other bits last week visited the sovereign nation of I**l***, and accepted that the whole thing had been a complete f**k**g mess for the last ni**ty-f**e years.

While there, Her M**es** had no intercourse sexual or otherwise with a famous M** **i**d soccer c**t and W**sh W**a**, whose infidelity to Mrs ****s had been the subject of a superinjunction approved by Justice Bo**ock* in the High Court. Even though there are Gigabytes of information relating to the identity of the slapper-shagger, I am not allowed to tell you that G***s C***n broke the silence re this one, thus demonstrating the existence of a spine, and thereby his evolution from being a gutless amoeba like T**y G*ll****r to a primate bearing at least some resemblance to a j**r**ist.

Meanwhile, in New York wannabe maid-shagger Dominic Stress-Kahn’t stood accused of the attempted rape of a Guinean female person who may or may be known as Naff Samaritan Diageo, the client of world famous ambulance-chaser Helen Shapiro. I can affirm that Mr Dee-Ess-Kay has a 20″ plonker he wishes to ram up the back passage of every unsuspecting female on the planet. I am able to bring you this privileged information because Monsieur Strip-Cartoon is not the subject of any injunctions, and is probably going to the pokey for the best part of 96 years.

And in a late development, it appears LibDem Minister Chris Huhne has told police that the person driving his speeding car was none other than Princess Anne, with whom he has been having a liberating and democratic affair since the age of fourteen. This revelation is brought to you via the  age-old convention that members of the Royal Family never comment on news stories about them, however scurrilous and inaccurate they might be.

This evening, the Archbishop of Canterbury broke down in tears on Antiques Roadshow and admitted that he was a thirteenth century fertility doll. Speaking through his beard, Mr Bishop told a giggling Fiona Bruce that the guilty secret had haunted him for over thirty years, but ever since the Royal wedding he had been unable to hide his real identity any longer. He explained, “I had to get this off my chest, especially as History Today was onto me, and I had been advised that The Sun was about to run the headline ‘Dildo Bish in sex-symbol shocker'”.

The closely-guarded secret of George Osborne’s omnisexual affair with Christine Lagarde is finally out. A menage a trois with Robert Peston having been dismissed as ‘a fantasy’ by Ten Downing Street last Friday, David Cameron this afternoon said he was very sorry that George had been punished twice for something he’d only done three times, but on the other hand he was very glad to have the oily little bugger out of the way. Mme Lagarde said she’d no idea how many times she’d done it with Mr Osborne, as she had not as yet mastered addition – but she looked forward to becoming Managing Director of the International Monetary Fund.

Speaking at the International Convention of Superinjunctional Ambulance Chasers, Mr Peter Triallane-Errah said that he was reassured by the huge success of gagging orders in putting a stop to exaggerated, inaccurate and sensationalised media reporting.