Plan B is the new Plan A

Were I ever to be forced to go back to work again, I think I’d open a consultancy called Plan B. I’m sure you’ve all noticed just as clearly as I have, but ‘We need a Plan B’ has become the phrase juste of 2011. Whenever anyone anywhere hasn’t the faintest idea what to do next, a journo somewhere will write ‘We need a Plan B’.

It started off with Draper Osborne’s cuts, and the senior Mandarins (as usual) scuttling backwards after the first sign of criticism into ‘maybe we should have a Plan B’. But from such humble beginnings, the phrase has been exported across the Atlantic – ‘Bernanke needs a Plan B’ – and then back again to Andrew Lansley needing one. In Lansley’s case, a Plan A would’ve been good, but we mustn’t be picky here: because from then it went East towards the core of the ClubMeds, and the need for Merkel & her troika to have a Plan B for Greece. Plan A in 1942 was to invade it, but events have moved on since then: people tend to frown on that kind of stuff nowadays.

The problem is that Plan B has started to become so difficult to rationalise, it is starting to look like Plan Hang On a Minute Are You Mad.

Take Simon Greenberg, for example. Simon is the unlucky owner of the job title Director of Public Affairs at News International. Simon needs a Plan B so much, his requirement for a Plan B exceeds that of God after accidentally creating the Black Death. This morning, it seemed that Plan B would be to dump all the blame on Andy Coulson. But I understand that Mr Coulson has pointed out the inherent dangers of this strategy to the great and not so good inside Fortress Wapping, and so now Plan B is ‘Rebekah was on holiday while those little kiddies were having their phones hacked, no really, she was – and they don’t have mobiles in Italy, where she was on holiday and completely out of touch’. This is of course a cunningly recycled Plan A, as Coulson was her Deputy Editor. You sort of have to figure that Andy is going to spot the gambit.

New York’s DA Cyrus T. Vance Jr also needs a Plan B. I suspect the best one would be to find a more reliable sex-attack victim than Nafissatou Diallo; but in the absence of that option, perhaps no longer being Cyrus T. Vance Jr would be even better.

Andy Murray needs a Plan B. Heavyweight boxer David Haye needs a Plan B. Blackpool FC needs a Plan B. Eddie the Eagle needs a Plan B.

I think you can see where I’m headed with this one. Plan B in 2011 is somewhere between the Holy Grail, and a myth even less likely than the existence of the Holy Grail. In truth, Frau Merkel, Nicolas Sarkozy, David Cameron, Jean-Claude Trichet, Tim Geithner, Barack Obama and even Chinese leader Mr Wen don’t have a real Plan B. Plan A was the whole banana. Plan B only exists insofar as running round naked in circles shouting “Lalalalalalalaaar white rabbits white rabbits white rabbits” might be any kind of Plan B.

And that’s where my proposed consultancy would score. Because I am that man with so many Plan Bs, I have a Royal Warrant to dispense Plan Bs.

This is my target client list:  The Tory Party, The Labour Party, The EU, The G20, The Civil Service, The Bankers, Rupert Murdoch, Greece, DSK, and Nick Clegg.

These are my Plans B:

Tory Party: Dump Cameron, dump the EU, dump the LibDems. Call an Election on this Manifesto. You will win.

Labour Party: Don’t be the Labour Party any more. Be something else more useful, eg, The Opposition.

The EU: Give up now and flee to neutral Switzerland.

The G20: Reject Globalism in favour of another ism. Like realism.

The Civil Service: Disappear. It would be safer for you, and better for us. And don’t try claiming those engorged pensions, as this will only give away your location.

The Bankers: Burn your uniforms and join the teaching profession. Avoid lamp posts.

Rupert Murdoch: Quit Britain while you’re ahead. And alive.

Greece: Tell the Troika to stuck their demands where David Cameron keeps his nuts.

DSK: You don’t need a Plan B. Plan A is good.

Nick Clegg: Your are Nick Clegg. There is no Plan B. Get over it.