Ugly new bouncing bomb ‘Pickles’ to be unleashed on unsuspecting beauty spots

Chancellor George Osborne has defended the government’s plans to  cover Britain in concrete change the planning system with regard to rural areas. “No-one should underestimate our determination to win this battle” says the Squeaky One, who sometimes mistakes table condiments for other forms of powder.  The only reassurance I can take from this determination on the part of the Chancellor is that he said a similar thing about banking reform two months ago – and look what happened to that.

The Draper – and Mr Eric ‘wideboy’ Pickles – say rural planning reform is “key to our economic recovery”. What they don’t say, of course, is that uncontrolled immigration for a decade, family breakdown, and unmarried mums aged 13 have made this move inevitable. And that they’d rather pave over the countryside than face reality by doing something about the causes.

However, I could do with having the ‘economic’ logic explained to me. All over the East Midlands and North East there are hundreds of square miles of wasteland where factories used to be before the Mad Handbag decided to replace them with slicked-back bankers. So if it’s factories we need, why not put them there? I mean that’s where nobody’s had a job for the last thousand years, Pickleman. And if it’s houses for untraceable Islamists we need, how is building them going to aid our recovery? We can’t export houses can we, Ozzie? In fact, why not export the Islamists? If the Libyan story is anything to go by, most of them are on welfare….even if we don’t know where they are.

What we see again here is a bunch of metropolitan berks who never venture beyond Tooting Norton using their hazy grasp of geography to make a problem worse: and demonstrating yet again how we mustn’t get them in any way confused with leaders who might give a monkey’s chuff about the countryside. We had it with those gloriously wasted 213 hours of Commons time wasted on improving the lot of psychopathic vermin (I’m talking about the fox, not al-Megrahi) and now we have a much more serious threat from the Shires horses themselves. Do you know, this time I’m buggered if we should accept it.

Consider this. Rural residents of England receive 50% less in government grants than their urban counterparts – but pay £100 a year more in council tax, a study by The Rural Service Network (RSN) suggests. Their research showed how rural authorities were given an average of £324 per head, compared to £487 for urban authorities. And guess where most of the politicians live.

There simply is no imagination anywhere in this Coalition. If only Cameron was the sort of believable stiff-upper-lip Brit, with the bulldog spirit and a brain to match, he could’ve made a belter of a speech…

“Right, pay attention. Wing Commander Guy Gibberlot here. Tonight chaps, you’re going to get the chance to end this recession  much sooner than we ever imagined, and hit those CRE Nazis where it hurts.

“Our top boffins have invented the new bouncing Pickles-bomb, and so tonight we’re going to bomb the space-wasting reservoirs of Lancashire and Yorkshire, drown all those ghastly oik non-PLUs or is it LTUs I can never remember, and flood the land with lots of that useless water I mean all mine is bottled these days anyway, before pouring 73 trillion gallons of cement in as the base for a new City of unregulated banks creating lots of employment for, um, anyone who’s alive afterwards. Good show. Carry orn chaps.”

Related: Crash 2, moving along but not very nicely.   The real David Cameron is staring us in the face.