News Ketchup

Rebekah Redtop’s pa arrested

Newscorp lifer and former pa to Rebekah Brooks Cheryl Carter has been arrested by the Sue Akers Weeting Enquiry. The charge is perversion of the course of justice, and will almost certainly involve email deletion on  grand scale.

Great to see and all that, but it’s July since the Flame-haired One was arrested, and a month since James Murdoch’s CM&S ‘evidence’ was dismissed by former colleagues as a load of old tosh.

When is the CPS actually going start trying people? When is Plod going to start arresting the big players? And is there any chance that somebody beyond the Leveson Enquiry might start investigating the affairs of the Mirror, the Maily Telegraph, the Sun, and the Sunday Times?

Oh dear, I must desist from doing this: it’s obviously my way of curtailing the freedom of the press. Please stop me before I accuse again.

Falling margins

If you don’t believe that direct action will ever have an effect, look what’s happened just three months after rioters looted sports shops around Britain: JJD is in deep trouble, and Blacks has gone into administration. [Note to GCHQ: this is a gag]. But gag or not, it does point up what the fault with ‘Occupy’ is: occupying the joint does not actually achieve anything apart from a bit of police brutality.

I’m not suggesting that looting is the way to go, because stealing things is wrong. But surely enough people now can see that boycotting the bottom line has a pretty immediate effect? Even if it doesn’t put some gargoyles out of business, it makes them squeal for help from the politicians. This is what we need.

Le grand bollocks from Lagarde

The euro is likely to survive 2012 despite the debt crisis in the euro currency zone, IMF boss Christine Lagarde said today. She’s a curved ball that Chrissie, int she eh?

“Will 2012 be the end of the euro currency? I seriously don’t think so. Its a young currency, its a solid one as well,” Lagarde told journalists on a visit to South Africa.

You see, it’s very important to be a young and solid currency. Why be old and fragile when you can be young and solid? Was not the Reichsmark young and solid when it suffered 8million percent inflation in 1924…and did it not prevail? Indeed it did – with a minor change of Government – until 1945. At which point scarcely a building was left standing in Germany. The genius formerly in charge of controlling the French economy added:

“You have within the zone, not in relation to the currency, serious pressure and issues concerning the sovereign debt, concerning the strength of the banking system which are being addressed. But the currency itself is not one that would vanish or disappear in 2012, not at all.”

This is all very interesting, not so say barking mad: we have a zone, after which the currency is named, which has a banking crisis that does not concern the currency at all, although the banking system, er, is trading in that currency. Well that’s alright, then. But it’s slightly at odds with Angela Merkel’s view that if the euro fails, the EU fails.

Christine Lagarde is being off-message about a message that is off the scale in terms of insanity. Yet somehow she has managed to appear equally deranged. I could say that the only only way from here is up, but I wouldn’t bank on me being right: the entire European Union now behaves like the sort of sub-atomic experiment that had even Einstein confused.

Islam’s Mods and Rockers

Widespread, planned bombing killed at least 78 people in Iraq yesterday (Thursday) and the Shiite faction of Islam was very much the target. You might find this hard to believe, but this is only the second-largest atrocity since the Americans buggered off – what was it…two weeks ago?

Reuters stuck out its neck to suggest that the attacks ‘bore the hallmarks of Sunni insurgents’, so you have to recognise the lack of flies on the chaps at Reuters: Shiites got killed, ergo, musta been dem pesky Sunnis. The attack had, ventured Reuters ‘raised fears of a deepening of sectarian bloodshed’. Amazing Holmes…how on earth did you deduce that?

The ‘broadly-based’ Unity Government has gone a bit off-course, primarily on the broadly-based unity dimension: it now consists almost entirely of Shiites. This isn’t going to get any better. Are you a Sunni or a Shiite? Most of us in Britain are neither, but we are being preached at by pillocks who presumably think Catholics and Protestants should still be massacring each other….or Mods and Rockers beating up Brighton in a fight to the death about bell-bottom jeans versus drainpipes.

There is a wonderful anecdote about Evelyn Waugh turning up for Sunday lunch at the Mitford residence in 1935, and being asked in shrill tones by Jessica and Unity, “Are you a Nazi or a Communist?”, to which Waugh replied truthfully, “Neither, I’m a democrat”. “How wet!” the two extremists shouted in unison.

Very little changes in life, I find.

Lines on the name ‘Morgan’

Accountants Price Waterhouse Cooper (PwC) have been fined £1.4m for wrongly telling local regulators for seven years that JP Morgan Securities was keeping client money safe. No further action is to be taken. And in an unrelated case, no further action has yet been taken against Piers Morgan for wrongly insisting over several years that his readers’ mobile phones were entirely safe from hacking by the Mirror Group.

A Morgan earlier than either of these liars was of course the infamous Morgan the Pirate, a man who (like Piers) left school early, declaring himself  “more used to the pike than the book.” This is undoubtedly true of Piers-y-poo, who allegedly thinks that a Penguin Classic is an original-flavour chocolate biscuit. The genes are obviously still intact:

In 1547, Thomas Morgan plotted on behalf of Mary Queen of Scots to depose Elizabeth I, and had to flee to France. Piers fled to CNN in a similar manner.

In 1605, Henry Morgan was heavily involved in the Gunpowder plot to blow up Parliament, for which crime he was hanged the following year in Stafford. Piers tried something almost identical at the Leveson Enquiry, and was on this occasion hoist by his own badinage.

A famous Arts & Crafts bloke in the 1870s was William de Morgan, a man who found a second career as a novelist. Piers too – after being fired by the Mirror for being a crap journalist – wrote autobiographical books which, on close examination, have proved to be complete fiction.

Another nineteenth century Henry Morgan was said to have been an acrobatic circus performer, who trained kangaroos to box – and then brought them back to Britain to perform with them on stage. Piers sort of did this another way round: he was trained by Kangaroos, and then took his bad habits to America in order to perform with monkeys on CNN.