At the End of the Day

“Monaco is a concrete sh*thole,” a stock market trader told The Times last Friday, “but the upside is that I pay no tax”.

All over Britain this Saturday night, embattled and cash-starved Church of England vicars are searching desperately for inspiration on the subject of tomorrow’s Sunday sermon. They need look no further than the remark of that sad Times interviewee, and his wretched preference for the love of money over life quality.

At the same time however, there was a challenge to the Christian ethic  (in the context of humanity having just the one planet to play with) when news broke today that scientists have discovered how that bit of the male wriggly sperm thingy ensures the fertility of the female egg.

The worryingly dependable fertilising of British female eggs is what has the UK population rising to an unsustainable 70 million souls on one incredibly small island. But that didn’t hold back the likes of Sheffield University Senior Andrology lecturer Allen Pacey, who called this research “a significant step forward”. He must be a pillock of extraordinarily blinkered ignorance to think that creating a certainty of unfiltered reproduction is anything but a step in the direction generally known as backwards.

But even as the terrifying insouciance of such medical pronouncement strikes fear into the properly functioning human brain, there are others of far more sensitive wisdom who are gradually realising that until we the taxpayers take on the responsibility of paying for political Party engagement in our electoral system, we will never call the tune.

Columnist Matthew Parris today openly admitted, “All my life I have opposed State funding of political Parties, but my mind has changed. There is now no other way”.

Over and over again I have made that point in these columns, and each time threaders have told me how they’d rather dine on 3000 year half-life radioacive isotopes than accept it. But they are most assuredly wrong. Blinded by the truly unpleasant thought of Party organisations wanking about at our infinitely disapproving expense, these naysayers fail to see that only our tax monies can save British politics from the corruption of filthy media, multinational and commercial lucre.

What’s required here is a relatively piffling amount to ensure that our pols are freed from the pernicious influence of everyone from Unite Union gangsters to Newscorp lowlife. Coupled with a draconian limit on personal political donations (for myself, I’d cap it at £15,000 per person, and £30,000 per organisation) it would cllean up our politics faster than a double-dose of Flash on a kitchen floor.

And to close tonight, I offer you this blatant piece of Newscorp disinformation which – let’s get real here – is hardly atypical. Once again it comes from today’s Times print edition, and alleges as follows:

‘Mitt Romney issued his full federal income tax returns for 2011 last night, fulfilling a commitment he made this year’.

No he didn’t, Roop: he issued a set of averages via his lawyer. The averages are bald figures unsubstantiated by any reference to the IRS, and they are summarised copies, not full returns. I’m also at a loss to know WTF commitment is being referred to here, as Mrs Romney a mere three weeks ago was telling the US media they could whistle Dixie for the information.

The main trustee of Romney’s fortune Brad Walt asserted that Mitt paid an average 20.2% tax rate from 1990 to 2009, but if the GOP candidate paid 2% tax on a $40billion asset strip during that time, there isn’t much consolation for the American worker that the guy paid 90% tax on an eighty-cent profit the following year. Walt has been forced to admit already that his client only coughed up a real 14.1% last year, but it seems we are still not allowed to know whether he made a number followed by eight noughts or three over that time period. And of course, what we really don’t know is how much boulah Mr Romney has stashed away out of IRS sight in the Caymans. The sole difference between Romney and Nixon, in fact, is that whereas Tricky Dicky looked like a slimeball after six years in Office, the current GOP candidate looks even worse before he even got elected.

Anyway, were I an Anglican preacher, I’d like to think that my subject tomorrow would be the plan to help ethical males (determined to cap Party expenses at 39p per annum) reproduce at twice the rate of Antipodean Dingos hellbent on using Nazi science to clone confused Mormons using a moral compass dating from 1936. But somehow, I doubt very much if such  a conspiracy exists.