Economy turning corner very soon probably, PM to tell Nation

The Prime Minister is to deliver a speech West Yorkshire this week, expressing cautious optimism that the country may be emerging from the economic crisis, because there are actually no signs of that at all, and he has to say something, otherwise under the existing Conservative Leadership Rules he will be stabbed to death without mercy. Here he talks live and in person about why he should be given just one more chance pretty please.

“Now look here everyone, there’s been a lot of idle gossip over the last few weeks about everyone in the Conservative Party apart from George and Ollie wanting to get rid of me and I would just like to put the minds of all those who think I’m doing a great job at rest, so don’t be concerned Mr & Mrs Jim Kit of 23 Glenn Close, I’m not going without a fight. There are all sorts of new initiatives in the pipeline, ready to go, up and about to be running and on the stocks waiting for the starter’s orders, so watch this space.

“Let’s be clear about this, we are going to go out there and jolly well give it our best shot in order to ensure that children with access to the internet give the marketing companies leading our export drive every last ounce of information they possibly can, and that the bankers giving so much of their money to the Treasury in taxes are not hampered by having their hard-earned bonuses capped. Throughout my life I have believed in equality, and the importance of everyone getting a leg up which is why I think it absolutely right that we are sending equipment and vehicles – but no weapons of course, none of that nonsense – to the Syrian rebels in order to equalise things when the evil forces of Basher Assad seem not to be giving in like we said they would, which is most unfortunate but only to be expected when dealing with those who plunge pitchforks into babies.

“We want a Britain in which justice always prevails, which is why we are absolutely determined that the whole country should keep being told why Jimmy Savile masterminded every act of paedophilia over the last forty years and committed an estimated 87,503 acts of bestiality on unsuspecting farmyard animals the length and breadth of the country and also that everyone remembers he used to work for the BBC and effectively used Broadcasting House as a paedo brothel with the approval of all the wicked communists who work there which is something that Mr Murdoch will put right when I mean if he finally gets the chance to take it over.

“For this reason I have asked the Metropolitan Police to spare every expense in hunting down every last person ever abused by Jimmy Savile, and not to get distracted by politically motivated reports of senior Conservatives rogering eight year olds in Barnes, a very nice part of West London where I once nearly bought a house and such things simply do not happen. It is particularly vital too that our hospitals are geared up to deal with the number of hard-Left journalists working on this case who are clearly mentally ill, but every day we hear another report from our Mr Jeremy Hunt about how the NHS is underperforming on every dimension possible and simply an evil empire long overdue to be taken over by American health insurers who have done such a great job among the people with whom we have that eternally special relationship through which William Hague waves his buttocks in the air and President Obama sticks something unpleasant somewhere dark. Sir David Nicholson in particular is an absolute disgrace whose refusal to resign just goes to show how brass-necked some of these Lefties can be but I don’t think I should prejudge the issue until we’ve had an enquiry.

“I am of course delighted to announce that our export efforts are beginning to bear fruit, in that we have sold a cartoon TV series to Russia, and David Beckham has generously exported himself to Paris St Germain with the help of 93 officials from the British Council. The week before last, fully seven widgets were sold to China as part of a crackdown on the undervalued Yuan you see these bloody chinks they’re not to be trusted and our failure despite best efforts to pull out of the disaster Labour left us is entirely down to Chinese whispers like the ones that go on in Lord Green’s bank and he never hears because he has been so busy spearheading the sales of widgets to China.

“I’ve always been a great believer in the idea that simply competing isn’t enough, and that we must break records. You can’t make a pancake thingy without breaking eggs and you can’t remould an economy without breaking records. Since I came to power, we’ve broken records right across the board. Under my Premiership, we have set new records for mendacity, intercity, spare capacity, and seen the Premiership won by Manchester City for the first time since 1968. So when it comes to setting records, beating records and breaking records, it is a matter of record that things are moving in a better direction and as to replacing me, well, I stand on my record, thank you very much and now would you mind awfully on your way out asking Grope to bring up a bottle of the ’71 Vosne Romanee from the cellar thank you so much most kind”.

camcalm“Calm down calm down calm down”

Last night at The Slog: Dow climbs to record high on news of asteroid vapourising Philadelphia