Professor G. Rassyknoll of the Moscow School of Random Dot-Joining has accepted a post at the European Commission in Brussels as its Head of Steam. His task will be to present regularly occurring supercharged droplets of mass deception as economic data. In particular, he will endeavour to explain the methods being employed with the best of intentions by Signor Draghi of the European Central Bank in his quest to comply with up to and including none of the codicils of the Lisbon Treaty.
Professor Rassyknoll has a PhD in the study of sub-atomic Elysian Fields, and in 2009 received the Nobel Prize for his work in the construction of post-numerate bollock particles and the nature of their circumvention of horsesh*t.
President Francois Hollande pledged today that he would carry out long overdue reforms of France’s pension system and labour markets, but only if Angela Merkel would stop looking like a wet Sunday in Bradford every f**king time they meet.
“While I realise she and Nico had a thing,” said the acting French President until someone better comes along, “This is beginning to get embarrassing for me with my wife. Not only does she have no fear of Frau Doktor Merkel as a rival, she watches Geli’s glum expression and begins to doubt my charisma”.
Like they say, you wait 3,000 years for a bus, and then two come along at once. The good news for Italians is that Basilicata, a mountainous, sparsely populated province that sits on the foot-arch of Italy’s boot, holds more than 1 billion barrels of prime crude oil, offering the country a powerful energy weapon with which to fight its deepening recession. The bad news is that the Texas Tea is underneath the very groves that make southern Italy the world’s second-largest olive oil producer. Pisser or what?
But things are not as bad as they might seem. The European Commission has been in touch to say that if Italy will dig up and transport its olive trees to Greece (whose olive oil is already the basis of most of the world’s best cooking and dipping oils) it should be possible within five years to produce 150% extra virgins for export to China. The further upside is that Italy will benefit from tourist income once new Kraft durch Freude holiday complexes have been built where the olive groves once stood….and yet another dimension of the Greek export economy will be destroyed forever.
There are some new YouGov polling results out on Ed Miliband. The research company asked if people thought Ed Miliband was a better or worse leader than Gordon Brown, and a better or worse leader than Tony Blair. And it turns out that Ed is seen as better than Brown by 32% to 17%, and worse than Blair by 41% to 20%.
This is highly significant. It means that Ed is almost exactly halfway between the two, and thus could be either Brair Rabbit or Gordon Blown. But most psephological observers are seeing the result as clear evidence that Mr Miliband is most probably Gordon the Rabbit: that is to say, an indecisive pedant prone to being frozen in headlights.
Sources close to the Labour leader told The Slog tonight, “On the whole we’re seeing this as a positive result. Had Ed emerged as Gordon Blair, then the electorate might have seen him as a war criminal who gave away the nation’s gold. As it is, the frightened rabbit option looks good by comparison, and we’ll be working to improve on that going forward”.