The point at which you just want to go out and bash a bishop

‘Tory Mayor Keith Brookes found not guilty of sex act after sunbathing naked’

There are approximately thirty ways of approaching this story, and I may well employ most of them in this piece.

For starters, I would just like to confirm that the above-featured Mayor Brookes did not sunbathe naked in the sun, and then suddenly seize the nearest nymph with Biblically horizontal activities in mind. It’s just that sub-eds are generally the sort of people who shoot headlines and leave. The sex act of which he was accused took place during his worship of Ra, and was alleged to have involved the act of onanism, aka bashing the pork, doing the old one-two-one-two, and much other slang including shanking the ham.

“M’lud,” began the prosecuting counsel Mr Algernon Percy-Pullover, “Mr Brookes stands accused of waving the wand”.

“Quite so,” said Lord Justice Trousers, “what say you in answer to this Mr Plank?”

“I am grateful to m’learned friend for his succinct albeit entirely inaccurate summary,” defence counsel Walker Plank replied, “But my contention remains that Mayor Brookes did not at any time wash the cosh, empty the walnut, or in any way polish the love-truncheon.”

“Indeed?” interrogated the Judge, “How do you counter this claim Mr Percy-Pullover?”

“Come come…” began the prosecuting counsel.

“Objection your honour,” interrupted Plank, “counsel’s use of words is designed to excite the jury”.

“Overruled,” the Judge countered, “there is no suggestion here that your client is a donkey-rigged individual, indeed no suggestion of giant beanstalks or other parallels that might give genteel ladies an attack of trench lubrication”.

“As it pleases your Lordship,” Plank countered, “Nevertheless I submit that my client was merely applying some Strength 30 Hawaiian Tropic tanning cream to his pork and tatties”.

This last was, I should point out, the defence used to clear Conservative Keith Brookes’ name – and far be it from me (lawyers being the complete tent poles they are) to suggest that it was in any way designed to pervert the course of deciding whether the defendant had been engaged in a tug of war with Cyclops, or merely protecting his family jewels from the harmful effects of solar radiation. However, some real as opposed to imaginary evidence from the trial might be instructive here.

Prosecuting Counsel Jeremy Evans told the Court that neighbours were holding a barbecue with friends, and could see that Councillor Brookes was sunbathing naked (and asleep) in his back garden. But he was later seen by an adult looking over the fence applying sun lotion “to the area of his genitals”.

Well I don’t know about you, but that’s good enough for me: I’ve often found myself peeping over the fence, ready to choke the chicken in order to provide more fare for those enjoying a barbecue next door. Yes, many’s the time I’ve awoken from a suburban slumber, ambled over to the fence, and admired nubile flesh in a search for human bonding fluid. But never once could I be accused of encouraging the almond rock. Oh no.

How good it is to observe that, even in the depraved country of my birth, a simple chap can go about the business of protecting his bobby-dangler – free from the invasive peering of those perverts wishing only to catch a glimpse of his bald-headed yogurt slinger.

Amen.

Earlier at The Slog: How the safe-haven gold behaves in manipulated markets