OFFICIAL: Booming Britain set to boom with a boom-boom-a-banging sonic boom

Top toffs in Tory tosh

Environment Minister Damien Gumboil has told the Daily Telegraph that employing fracking in the UK will mean every British citizen could have a Rolls Royce by June 2015, plus a Cuban chauffeuse rolling cigars on demand. “It is now quite clear that with Britain set to grow back to health round the corner very soon indeed, fracking will be the icing on the cake,” he told Sark social commentator Tulip Baldrick, adding “C’mon, c’mon, are you getting this down?”

His comments were confirmed by Prime Minister and Old Estonian Akrid Camelion, who told the Daily Wail’s Tolkein Lettsweight, “Let me be clear about this, we must stop seeing pullovers as a dirty word and huddle round a peppermint just like my Nanny had to in the good old days and then with these accelerating growth rates to the right of decimal points and wotnot, some time around June 2015 you will have paid everything back that we owe the Chinese and I shall be in clover on the sunny uplands of economic recovery”.

Interviewed by ageing Juvenile hack Godfrey Evans, Chancellor Osborne Giddyaunt rammed home the message that, as he put it, “We have proved wrong all those Communists who said we would do nothing but cut services, for we have cut services but not cut any budgets at all which I’m sure even the doom-merchants must admit is an incredible achievement. This unique policy is due to come to fruition roughly during June 2015, when our gdp is set to pass that of the United States, along with its debt.”

The Daily Telegraph meanwhile today generously donated a rare column to Tory maverick and People’s favourite Boorish Bentmayer, who wrote eloquently of “an economy now growing faster than it was 82 years ago in November 1931. Yes, Britain has scaled the North Face of Socialist waste and returned once more to take its rightful place on the rising pathway to prosperity some time in June 2015, at the peak of tumesce…no hang on, that’s um. Sorry”.

So we can all rest safe in our beds in the knowledge that RBS, the Coop Bank, the rising National Debt, the floundering manufacturing sector, manipulated housing bubbles, overpriced FTSEs, the collapse of our biggest trading partner and other such Left-wing poppycock need not concern us. Hurrah.

Footnote: today’s avalanche of manufactured good news at the Maily Telegraph…..

It’s all bollocks, and that’s official.