MAYOR NAUTILUST DISMISSES SEX-WITH-PLANTS CHARGES AS ‘POPPYCOCK’

Mayor Norris Nautilust today put the leaders of the Burntfridge investigation to the sword, issuing an edict forbidding ‘any future invention of ridiculous sexual deviations that might ensnare harmless gardeners who employ child labour’. He added that the vitally important City traders in Mendacium justifiably feel they are above the law, but only a pervert would want to stick his cock in a poppy, and as there are no perverts at all anywhere in Mendacium, it was only right to ban the spreading of false rumours.

Late flash: Mayor Nautilust is to sue the German Government for bomb damage to Grade I & II listed Mendacium buildings relating to the period 1940-41, only seven of which once belonged to his family.

“DON’T GO HUNGRY, EAT YOUR CHILDREN” ADVISES LEADING PEERESS

Conservative Peer for the Knightsbridge region Lady Penelope Farquit-Branede’ath offered practical help for the remaining serfs still allowed to live in Mendacium yesterday, when she suggested that putting another child into the broth was the best way to survive a colder than average winter with energy prices rising even though the Duke of Westminster Lord Camerlot has pledged that there will be no rises most of the time among 2 out of 3 privatised Energy Kitchens being set up in Bermondsey from May 26th 2014 onwards until August 29th.

“One of the realities such people must expect” she opined, “is that poor levels of contraception must lead to gradual starvation, and thus one must eat the product of over-eager loins”. Minister in the Lords without Mercy Baroness Frunt-Botham of Bupa agreed, adding that she was about to launch a new book Honey I cooked the kids in association with Cruella Awesome.

BANKER WHO MURDERED 37 NEIGHBOURS IN RED-MIST RAGE ORDERED TO SET ASIDE 2013 BONUS

Sir Sweeney Hampton-Slicke, Chairman of taxpayer-owned bank Slime Ball Royalties (SBR)  is to lose his entire 2013 bonus of £3.2bn following a trial at the Old Trafford Courts in which he was found guilty of the unpremeditated manslaughter of 37 neighbours who had disturbed his Sunday afternoon nap during a Garden Party.

Lord Justice Sockson, passing sentence, said Sir Sweeney had until now been a gentleman of unimpeachable behaviour with little  or no history of violence. “But in a regrettable moment of weakness,” said the Judge, “he took hold of a Kalashnikov lying about in his study and, his finger having become stuck, killed 37 not entirely innocent people when he had probably only intended to liquidate at most ten of them”.

Justice Sockson accepted that the sentence was harsh, but pointed out that the defendant had, in mitigation, threatened to leave for a job at Goldman Sachs unless he was allowed to retain his liberty.