BORISCONI THE BARBARIAN & THE VACUOUS LONDON BUSINESS LOVE-MACHINE

citrix‘Market-leading cloud, networking and virtualization technologies that are transforming how people, businesses and IT work and collaborate in the cloud era’.

Why is anyone – least of all the London Mayor – taking this nonsense seriously?

Somehow, I seem to have eased myself secretly onto the mailing list of LondonlovesBusiness.com. It’s certainly a secret to me: perhaps the marketing people there lack a sense of irony – I don’t know.

‘Project teams are often made up of employees with various skill sets,” says the blurb, ‘ If managers can succeed in making these different talents complement each other, team goals will be reached quickly and without distractions.”

Well bless me and ping my blog while you’re about it, this is breakthrough insight.

‘In his white paper, qualified psychologist Rainer Niermeyer explains the essence of a”real” team,’ we are told, ‘Managers learn how to defuse the potential for conflict and to coach the team through all the different stages of team development’.

Aaah, right, now I get it: you’re trying to sell me a business jargo-bollocks seminar. And so it is that we are indeed tempted onto a site where all the ‘secrets’ of team management are laid bare at last. Including:

‘How managers can spot the differences between real and “pseudo” teams’

Yes folks, you too can pitch up at Old Trafford, notice that your team is 80% deficient in goalscoring, and then – using our unique yoozyerfeckinbrains© modulised systemic formula – work out how to spend £37m buying a player who can score goals, just a little too late to win anything.

And of that isn’t enough, the secret of effective Time Travel lies barely hidden in this session:

‘How to successfully diffuse conflict within the team’

Er, the verb we’re choosing here is diffuse, right? Not defuse, then? Not the defuse that your blurb used in the intro, perhaps. Well, I have an open mind: let’s diffuse the conflict by giving a little bit to Jayne, a teensy bit to Boris, a little more to Jeremy, and an almost homoaeopathic dose to Theresa. Or better still, let’s learn how to write the English f**king language before we start writing the brochure.

Rainer Niermeyer is a business coaching consultant, and a graduate of the University of Cologne with a Masters in Business Psychology and tartan paint marketing.

This utter drivel was brought to you by citrix…..and this is what they have to say for themselves:

‘Transform your organization with mobile workstyles. When people choose how, where and when work gets done, individuals become empowered and businesses can innovate like never before. As a result, a new empowered workforce emerges where work is transformed and business is reinvented. By enabling organizations to prepare for and manage change in a volatile and unpredictable world, new levels of productivity are achieved. Citrix is helping organizations of all sizes adopt mobile workstyles through a complete portfolio of market leading cloud solutions that accelerate the path to IT-as-a-service.’

Now you might wonder WhyTF any Mayor of a capital city would give this kind of selling-the-obvious crap houseroom. But citrix likes Boris. This is what they feel about him:

‘Johnson never misses an opportunity to talk up his accomplishments. Embrace this attitude when pitching for business or reviewing your goals. Shout about your achievements to avoid blending in with competitors….Johnson’s public persona is one of unashamed and unapologetic difference. His rising popularity indicates that this stance is working and that people believe in him….’

Never mind the awkward fact that Boris Johnson is a boastful, serial-shagging hypocritical populist, it’s working and the daft buggers believe him. Result! And what’s more, this is a two-way street: ‘The Mayor of London welcomes our new publication Securing Britain’s Talent,’ gushed the lovey-dovey website last October, ‘it tackles skills gaps, leadership issues, youth unemployment and workplace diversity’. And sure enough, there was BoJo saying he was “delighted to work with” such completely content-free, barely-literate pinheads:

britalentbojo

If ever you wanted proof that Michael Gove and Boris Johnson have common aims for the UK’s State education system, then this farrago of banal codswallop is it.

LondonlovesBusiness.com launched on 5 September 2011. It is the second title from Casis Media, co-founded by Graham Sherren (a 75 year-old retired bloke) and Mike Bokaie (an almost equally old bloke). It hails itself as ‘the first and only digital newspaper exclusively for London’s fast-growing businesses and entrepreneurs’, as if this might be a prediction of the tragic future that lies ahead of it.

Earlier at The Slog: Buy assets or prepare to be globally looted