From Telegraffiti Romanus Middle East correspondent, Con Cocklinitas

Jewish terrorist Jezzer Bornstable’s exhibitionist arrival on a donkey last week was always going to be an inflammatory act, and so it proved. Of course, when you have 12 spin-doctors working round the clock to polish up your image, it’s easy to look holy, but Bornstable’s actions and those of his followers since that time tell a different story.

We can now exclusively reveal that the palms strewn in this self-styled messiah’s path were bussed in by special units of Roman dissident Vladimus Putinare’s crack Holywater Militia, whose infamous killers stood with guns three rows deep behind those ‘welcoming’ the Jewish führer in order to ensure a ‘positive reception’. And just last Thursday, Telegraffiti reporters were told by whistle-blowers working at the notorious Christ Almighty Arms that Mr Bornstable and his disciples spent an evening there drinking heavily, breaking at least eleven kilos of valuables such as bread, wind and news.

The following morning, Praetorian Metropolitan investigators raided the premises and took away evidence linking seven prominent members of the Jerusalem Council to some of the practices rumoured to occur there, but these cannot be named for legal reasons. However, yesterday the Roman tablet Sol Romanus reported that the drunken evening ended with an orgy involving bestial paedophiliac relations with sacrificial lambs in what one witness who did not wish to be identified described as “the last supper I’m ever attending with this shower of loonies”.

Bornstable – a self-confessed footwasher fetishist – was born to a feckless single mother in Nazareth some thirty-three years ago. He has never married, and is an unemployed carpenter described by Pharisee Adam Izminame, following a recent interrogation, as “A slippery character who twists words into your mouth, and has a long history of desert-wandering mental instability causing him to duck unsuspecting people into the rivers of Galilee. He calls himself a fisher of men so you can draw your own conclusion re that one. Trust me on this, if ever I saw a nation-groomer, then this meshuggana is the real deal”.

But things came to a head last Friday when true democrat and exercise-routine inventor Pompous Pilates put the matter of Jezzer Bornstable’s fate to the electorate. Wisely, the overwhelming majority of peace-loving Hebrews loyal to Rome called for his execution by stoning, but this was later commuted to crucifixion by the fundamentalist Pharisee ginger-group No Turning Back, Already.

Blaspheming to the end, Bornstable yelled from his cross “You’re all useless and know not what you’re at and as for God well where is he when I need him?” Roman centurion guard Ludicrus Berluscumbagi told the Telegraffiti, “The bugger wouldn’t even keep his feet still as we nailed him to the wood. Some people just have no respect for the rule of Law, Liberty and Justice”.

Since the execution – as one might expect with all cowardly brigands who threaten Pax Romanus, to which obviously there is no alternative – the so-called disciples have scurried back under their stones, and are thought to have fled the city. Commenting on the disappearance of Bornstable’s body this morning, reforming Governor Pilates told a bevy of imperial journalists that “Leftist elements removed the body of Jezzer Bornstable overnight, overpowering two unarmed guards in the sort of vicious attack we have come to expect from terror groups like Golden Porn. This is nothing but a deliberate distraction from this week’s exciting news that over five cisterces were raised in the temple moneylenders’ markets this morning, which proves we are once more solvent.”

Close aide to the Governor Crassus Venividizelos later confided that, had the Nazarene criminal not overturned the temple tables last year, there would have been no crisis in the first place. “In fact,” he added, “I regard it as my patriotic duty to eat the rest of the debt personally, so our problems are solved.” Mr Venividizelos’s gargantuan appetite will, we confidently predict, polish off the remaining four trillion cisterces in time for the local Imperial elections this coming May.

Earlier at Slogum Britannicus: Alarmingly minute breakthrough in Elm House investigation