BRITAIN TO REPLACE WASHOUTS WITH WASHINS, AND INCLUDE PAID-FOR PAEDOPHILIA IN GDP CALCULATIONS

Because so much of the English summer weather so far has been a washout, in order to save taxpayers any further pain, in future there will be no washouts, only washins. Hard-pressed, hard-working families will be able to bale out their own cellars without being bothered by any interfering government agencies – busybodies who simply cost taxpayers more money during washouts. Washins will by contrast be tax-free, and payable only by wicked property investors masquerading as “homeowners” ha-ha tell us another one do.

However, free blow-up dolls of Nigel Farage that bob jauntily in the water will be available to cheer up those faced only by a lake outside, courtesy of Brussels….and, um, UKip, the Conservative Party, the Liberal Democrats, and the Labour Party – almost all of whom either didn’t to turn up to vote, or voted in favour of flooding Somerset Levels, in the European Assembly.

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In the House of Commons this afternoon, Chancellor George Osborne confirmed that henceforth, paedophile prostitution will be included in the calculation of the UK’s gdp. All those citizens presenting receipts for the purchase of paedophile sex will in turn be due generous tax relief.

“I’m sure you will join me,” said Mr Nobsore, “in giving a vote of thanks to London Mayor Boris Johnson for his steadfast defence of paedophile brothels in the face of media nosey-parkers with no concept of how important it is to show that Britain is open for business”.

Later at Prime Minister’s Questions, backbench Conservative Ivan Istry-Ovasalt, the MP for Upper Chorister, addressed the PM thus:

“Does my Right Honourable Friend the Prime Minister agree with me that the need to reinstate the practice of employing child chimney-sweeps is now more evident than ever, given that patriotic gdp-contributing paedophiles always enjoy something warm to slip into after a hard day at the orifice?”

David Cameron agreed, adding, “The Government’s proposal to privatise childcare will ensure that income from this sector will be maximised in every possible way”.

Later, Shadow Chancellor Teddy Testicles vowed that, once elected to power in 2015, the Labour Government would set and achieve a target of a small child up every chimney, and a small chimney up every child, by 2020.

Yesterday at The Slog: No more dimwitted statistical extrapolations thank you very much