Mark Feckless decision to join UKip sparks Brooks Newmark Jihadist breakaway as MI6 brands former Tory Minister Newmark self-confessed Pink Oboe mutilator

We read today that Mark Reckless, after long consideration of the due amount of publicity likely to be involved during the UKip Conference, has decided – recklessly – to leave the Conservative Party and refight his seat (where he enjoys a 10,000 majority) to join UKip.

And in a double blow for Tory supremo Cavedin Dammerung, Brooks Newmark, the Conservative minister for civil society, has resigned to join UlickmyDickonline (ULiMDon) a radical Jihadist offshoot from the Faragist Ukip mainstream. CIA sources claim that Jihadi Bro (the man clearly seen circumcising harmless MP aid shirkers during videos far too gory for any of us to watch) has finally been identified as Bro J Newmark – the former Conservative minister for civil society.

The FBI has since put ULiMDon on its Most Wanted List of genital mutilaters. Later today, MI6 sources were adamant that ULiMDon is now the greatest threat to purple helmet heterosexuals since Kenneth Williams. And in a special session, MPs voted overwhelmingly to employ on-the-ground troops in order to nip these circumstantial circumcisions in the bud.