AS POLLS OPEN IN AMERICA…

And in a new political earthquake tonight, Labour Leader Ed Miliband said that there should be zero tolerance of anti-semitism. Anti-Semitism Industries Inc fell 450 points on the news, and Miliband was immediately attacked by Boris Johnson for “once again suggesting to nice Saudi Arabian and Qatari mutilators with lots of money to invest in London that somehow we are not open for business because of ridiculous outdated left wing ideological poppycock”. Majority investor in ASI Inc Mouselle Mahmood Bin R’abid aka Mustaffa B’int told Mr Al Jazzera that he was relieved to hear Mr Jobsdone’s remarks, and would consider removing him from the Islamic Interstate Caliphateligioussuperalidocious Infidel Decapitation Domesday Book.

Today’s landmark ruling about where Brighton ends and the sea begins has created a furore among the town’s free-thinking population. Leading Community Leader Hermione Bonghead led the way – as all good leading Community Leaders should – by observing, “Look, Southend-on-Sea is called that, and the description obviously applies to all coastal towns and just drawing some arbitrary line like this is absolutely typical of scientists who have no idea of real life on the ground or indeed in the sea and what they need to do is seek enlightenment in my fab new venue The Spliffy Joint“.

There was a major Twitter row tonight when financial columnist Android Evan-Elpuss declared that Quantitative Easing was on a par with the Reformation as a valuable cultural tool, and convenient explanation of the inexplicable. Dismissing critics of QE, gold prices, oil prices, stock market levels and Zirp as ‘frivolous’, the much venerated Mr Ever-Ardprick later confessed that he had at last mastered the techniques required to travel forward through Financial Times, and thus be unique in his understanding of the Superficial Quantitative Unworkable Ideas Derivatives sector, or SQUIDS.

And finally tonight….