THE PAEDOFILE: Witless Wanless finds files evidenceless re whether covering up of cover-ups was covered up.

wanlessMaySo many files missing, impossible to tell whether files had been removed, concludes buggery Tsar

The Child Abuse enquiry led by Sir Peter Witless today decided that the cover-up of four sets of evidence over 30 years in relation to the cover-up of child-buggery by politicians had been so successful, it was impossible to tell from this distance in time whether there had been a cover-up or not.

Talking to reporters this morning, Sir Peter said it was “encouraging that, in an age where British industry is struggling to remember how to change a light-bulb, we still lead the world when it comes to the production of top-quality all-wool Axminster carpets with which to cover things in which the general public his little interest, and even less right to know.”

Sir Peter Witless is the CEO of the National Society for the Propagation of Conservative Cover-ups (NSPCC) and thus in a uniquely objective position to reach firm conclusions about the inability to discern whether there had been a cover-up or not.

” After sifting through 4,981 missing files,” he continued, “I can categorically state that in the five files that remain extant, there is no mention of prominent politicians or celebrities in the cases under discussion.”

Having heard the outcome, Home Secretary Theresa Mayormaynot-Alledépendès confirmed that she would charge all doubters with NVEism, and visit upon them NDOs, IMHOs, GCHQs and LSOs as she saw fit. She told a press conference this lunchtime that “I am fully satisfied that, having been given the task of finding missing files, MI5 acted in the best interests of Great Brittan by not finding any at all.”

European news yesterday at The Slog: Jean-Claude Juncker finds himself profoundly innocent