Zero hour conundrum as shocked Roman Nazis slam Miliband in new tabloid syntax shocker

The Mail today features a whole new concept in employment deregulation: zero hour contracts.

I’m not entirely sure why the Dacre Wail has dropped the s off hours, but our finest brains here at Sloggers’ Roost have been working on the conundrum, and our collective view is that the Coalition Government plans to offer a lucrative contract to everyone in the country at zero hour…..viz, just as the May 2015 election draws to a close – and it looks very much like the two largest Parties are going to be the SNP and Labour – a big fat contract will be awarded to anyone guaranteeing to vote Camerlot.

Far from being a conundrum, in fact, the scheme is exactly the sort of everyday humdrum con employed by the Conservative Party, for example ‘full-time employed wages going up’, but without mentioning, as such, that only 40% of the ’employed’ are on full-time contracts. Or put another way, for 3 in 5 working adults, their wages and hours worked are both going down. And then, lest we forget, there are the 8% of able-bodied adults who have no job at all.

And in other rebranding exercises, Iain Duncan-Smith has called £18bn off the cost of welfare ‘proof of greater efficiency under the Conservatives’, while Jeremy Hunt is asking us to see his £27bn of potential cuts in the NHS as ‘the deliverability challenge’. Also today, the Emperor Caligula announced that fully 45 lions will be saved, and the number of NVEs slashed, by a 40% increase in the number of Christian gladiators. While Herr Heydrich the Reichsgauleiter of Czechoslovakia shaved a remarkable 90% off the Konzentrationslager budget purely by the installation of better shower facilities for the inmates.

But just when you thought this was another site cloned with, Ed Miliband tweeted this afternoon that Labour will ensure every young person either has a job or is in training for a job, and every banker’s bonus is taxed. Meanwhile, the National Association of Media Plumbing Studies came out in support of 100% of all school leavers doing something useful. And at a meeting of the Highgate Trots against Toffs League, the motion to ask multinational companies very politely if they wouldn’t mind awfully paying a higher tax rate than 7.3% passed with a narrow 97-93 majority.

I end tonight on the news that the Leveson Enquiry has finally published its primary conclusion, viz, the word ‘Exclusive’ should be banned from all headlines in national newspapers, as it is elitist and leaves other news media feeling alienated from society as a result. The suggested replacement word is ‘Inclusive’. Example future headlines could be:

‘Inclusive! How bankers donate money to Policeman’s Ball rather than go to jail’

‘Inclusive! Cameron discussed Newscorp BSkyB bid with his cleaner’.

‘Inclusive! Juncker just as shitty to wife as he is to Brits and Greeks’