WANKOPHILESWankophile trafficking….ringleaders held

Following coordinated dawn raids at 0050 GMT this morning, some 37 senior Westminster politicians became hysterical, having been charged with historical self-abuse on an historic scale.

The newly formed Met Police Operation Yewandmetoo rounded up two ringleaders at No’s 10 & 11 Downing Street, both of whom face charges of gross indecency in a pubic place. Sources tell me the specifics involve EU rules renegotiation, Deficit denialism, Newscorp staff voyeurism, giving false Budget statements and getting a woody at the Dispatch Box.

Further arrests followed swiftly. A Mr Ned Militanté of Muswell Hill was remanded in custody on charges of tweeting his wire as many as 15 times a day with cliches some of whom were as old as 397. Nicholas Clegg of no fixed à la mode faces 7,203 counts of playing with his pink oboe, while Mr Edward Testicles of leading political consultancy Morley Moronics is to be indicted on various charges of playing pocket billiards in mixed company.

It is expected that yet more arrests will follow. Said leading Self-abuse Black Belt Mark Willypuller-Thomas, “It is quite clear that the entire British nation has been grooming itself on spin driers and in palms for decades if not more, which means lots more munnneeee for me as I investigate these dangerous perverts up to but not including myself and by the way does anyone know what onanism is?”

Yesterday at The Slog: The weapons of 21st century War are black and yellow