EXCLUSIVE: “Planet Earth is pc Notebook” claim Silicon boffins


Warning: Earth populated by nuts, made in a factory containing nuts, run by laptop designed by nuts. Probably contains nuts.

Riddle of utterly crooked anarchically dysfunctional incompetence finally solved

Computer scientists in Silicone Valley have been working for the last three years to verify their hypothesis that the planet, its climate, its governments and its fisco-economic problems conform to various behavioural patterns suggesting that it is in fact a gigantic Poocrap Hackard X3003 Notebook powered by Psychoshaft Doorknobs 8. Their findings have at last come to light.

“All the tell-tale signs are there,” said Professor Jean-Jacques Asperges of the Anaheim Centre for Sums, “the constant background chatter, the overheating, the endless news updates, the slowness to react, the vague technical explanations, and the inability to find a menu page anywhere. Events on Earth are obviously under the influence of a Poocrap X3003.”

A global search for the ON-OFF button is currently under way. “As everything is completely screwed up,” Asperges commented, “the advanced technical thing to do here is turn it off and then turn it on again, because that sometimes works. We thought we had located the battery readout’s flashing light using our NRA satellite, but it turned out to be 73 countries bombing Syria. At the moment our plan is to return the Earth to its factory settings, but there appears to be a virus on board which we have codenamed Homsap. The virus is stopping us from getting in via the password, although we don’t know what it is anyway. However, there’s no cause for concern, we’re on it.”

Across the Globe, major players were quick to react. Candlelit vigils have been taking place in the City following revelations of the Notebook’s first casualty, Knobsky Capital’s $1.5 billion hedge fund. The firm is shutting down because “when markets are being driven by PH X3003 Notebooks which don’t know their algorithms tables, we must regretfully come to the conclusion that the current space is incompatible with our fundamental strategy of fucking the small investor over,” said Head of Scamipulation Taker Markup.

And in Europe, ECB boss Count Mario Dragula held a hastily arranged press conference, demanding that senior Poocrap Hackard executives be put on trial “for messing up all 23 perfectly configured QE programmes undertaken since 2010, especially mine”. He suggested that Monday’s eurostoxx rout was down to “the very poor memory capacity of the X3003, which has clearly forgotten just how rosey the outlook now is in the eurozone”.

But beneath the small Pacific atoll of Wifiwai, Psychoshaft Software CEO Satnav Mandela stroked a large white cat as he spoke live on a Hype simulcast to 25 news channels:

“Now you have discovered my plan,” he warbled, trying to control the salute in his leg, “I shall make my demands clear. You have already seen what Cyberborg Yellen is capable of, but that is just the start. Unless you….”

Sorry, we seem to have lost this call

Please hold on while we try to get it back.

The cat grinned broadly.

“I warned you not to buy Hype,” he purred, “Estonians designed it…I mean, WTF did you expect to happen?”

Last night at The Slog: The Rain in Aquitaine is not on the Wane