BUDGET: Today’s Osbollocks in full

First out of the blocks, The Slog puts into words what George Osborne just said

“Right honourable friends and members, Mr Deputy Speaker
Due to unexpected clouds, headwinds, downpours, floods, locusts, plagues of boils and other completely unforseen problems in the global economy, our long term economic plan (which is and always will be still working) has been blown ever so slightly off course and so in this budget – while I can announce some tax relief for the harder working members of Open for Business Britain – it will be necessary (and not before time, I might add) for those with the longest history of living wild and free off the State to contribute more to the needs of those working hardest to keep Britain leading the world.”
Cries of “Hurrah!” and “Starve the scrounging bitch-bastards!”
“Accordingly, today your Government is introducing a world-class new level playing field, Collecting Reverse Accumulated Claim Knockoffs, or CRACK. Ever since our Great Leader Baroness Handbag began the revolution which continues today, those lucky enough to benefit from the free enterprise advantages she brought in the wake of that unaparalleled act of bravery have nevertheless had to pay for such universal advantages to be afforded.
Before 1979, however, those born in the late 1940s under the jackboot of Bevanite Communism were quite happy to benefit from free school milk, free education, free dentistry, free University grants, free council housing, free medical prescriptions and free love.
Those of us who have always had to pay for such things as sex and drugs – now times are harder thanks to the incontinent spending of Mr Gordon McBoombust – naturally find this situation a hard one to swallow without appropriate nasal surgery. And while we One Elite Conservatives reject the idea of vindictive retribution, harsh times call for desperate revenge when an economic policy is still working very hard to deliver anything it promised, despite Britain still growing faster than any other advanced economy in Luxembourg.”
Loud shouts of “Hear bloody hear!” and “Squeeze their goolies George!”
“This, my fellow Britons, is a Budget giving all the People who have paid for the success of Thatcherism the satisfaction of seeing that vindicated investment cost finally shared out equably among those of us who are, let’s be clear about this, all in the same Gin Palace together.

In a Top Secret operation leaked only to the Daily Telegraph during the last month, officials at the DWP, Treasury and HSBC have worked their fingers to the bone and beyond to prepare the launch of CRACK.

I can now announce to the house that the full cost of giving lazy baby-boomer long-haired VD-ridden hippies the freedom to live a life free from the expensive Eton fees, Oxbridge bribes and Lloyds of London membership costs that crippled the rest of us comes to a truly obscene £1.65 trillion, which by an odd coincidence is also the National Debt which as you all know I finally managed to pay off just before the last General Election.

Taking the unduly privileged survivors of all those born between 1945 and 1951 until Anno Maggi 1979, under Equality of Opportunity rights conferred by the European Court of Human Rights to which all Brexiters would of course be denied access, the total cost per person comes to £165,000.

In their post tomorrow, these criminal embezzlers will receive – with the full grace of 24 hours notice – a tax demand for this sum which, with interest charged at the All-Party agreed rate and taking the inflation we all strive for into account, comes to £613,048.09p each.”

Lusty bestial growls of “Serve the freeloaders right!” and “Treble whiskies all round!”

“I can announce to you now that this would at a stroke wipe out 91% of our debt liabilities, but I believe Britain’s entrepreneurial future must come first. Accordingly, National Insurance Tax will be abolished for the self-employed. At the same time, the Government is setting up a fund – which the philanthropes of the European Commission will match € for £ – to be known as the Safer Together Reform Group (2016) Ltd. This shall – under a completely objective UN-observed process – consider awarding all EU citizens based in Britain who Vote Stay a one-off grant of £27,000.

But my far-sighted generosity in this regard must come at a price, for there is no such thing, under Treasury Notice 67.A/bbbIOU, as a free lunch unless the meal was shared with a financial services exporter and/or a senior HSBC executive.

So it is that some small economically neutral tax changes will be required. Henceforth therefore, all British citizens with blond hair with deep voices aged under 45 who were not educated at St Pauls and have no relatives called Loxton-Peacock will be surcharged on their 2016-17 tax assessment.

This, Mr Deputy Speaker, is a Budget that will eradicate the British age of Debt, and deliver a Britain strong enough to weather the storms that unexpectedly occur by the next time I rise to speak….and I thus commend it to the House”.

Synchronised yells of “We are saved!”, “Good old Neville!”, “Wealth in our time” etc etc.

From the Slog archives: A Caligula for our times