BREXIT: A very special kind of advice from my wealth manager


SQUARE.JW.01I’m seriously thinking about firing my financial adviser. He’s also my Special Life Coach, so this is a major step for me: but on balance, I think it’s long overdue.

To be clear (as Dave the Brown-nosed Remaindeer would say) I’ve been getting advice from Barack Roomdrama for nearly eight years now, and I think it’s safe to conclude that the bloke either has nothing to say, or says something and then does the opposite. When an adviser advises you and then ignores his own advice, you have to get into, you know, a close examination of the motives in play.

Things came to a head this morning when I got a letter from Barack. One of the things I get concerned about is that his own financial circumstances are not that great: he owes pretty much everyone a Rocky Mountain rangeof money, and five of his subsidiaries are bankrupt. Also he spends a lot more than he earns….and then has to grovel to his own committee to extend his loans.

But his advice this morning was so potty, it almost felt like he was trying to bankrupt me. He wants me – can you believe this? – to put all my investments into EU futures. This would be nuts at the best of times, but as the EU has no future to speak of, its well-nigh impossible. The eurozone central bank’s ammo dump is empty, five of its members are bankrupt, and the second biggest economy is flatlining. The EU has the slowest growth by far of any trading bloc on the planet, and faces rebellion in most of its southern and eastern membership. Even worse, once you buy shares in EU, that’s the last time you get a say in anything: it doesn’t hold AGMs, and in twenty years it’s never been audited. Even Delaware turned it down. Delaware. Jesus.

I can’t resist showing you this extract from his letter:


I think Barack should start by selling that ostentatious aeroplane he swans about in. First of all it would save him a lot of running costs, and second he would get out more. These British legal practices: we don’t even have them in the UK any more. OK, maybe a few escaped to the mainland, but they’re in hiding if they did. Signor Draghi has subordinated sovereign bondholders illegally, twice; he used his banking clout to destabilise Greece. Wolfgang Schäuble runs his austerity Blitzkrieg policy from a committee with no legal right to exist, and has tried three times (with one success so far) to forbid member States the right to elections. Angela Merkel is using taxpayers’ money to pay off a Turkish blackmailer: she hasn’t informed the polizei and she didn’t ask our permission, so she’s an accessory. And the EU President runs the most corrupt onshore tax haven after Britain itself.

I wonder if President Roomdrama is confused here; maybe there’s a place called Yerup and he meant to go there. It’s an easy mistake to make, if all you have to guide you is a ten-strong fighter escort, and a choice of 58 satellites with which to navigate. Only this next clip from his letter has me worried about whether Barack’s suffering from an early onset of something or other. He tells me the EU has


It has? Well, there was quite a dust-up when Yugoslavia fell apart. Then there was the unpleasantness in the Ukraine. The collapse of Syria. Violence in Budapest, Paris, and Brussels. And the biggest refugee problem since 1945. And if it’s promoting peace, why is the EU about to get an army? Why is a committee of lenders running Greece? Why are the politics of EU members now more polarised than at any time since the Thirty Years War?

You’re right, Barack: it’s a remarkable legacy. A currency you can’t devalue, and you can’t leave. A TTIP with USA Incorporated about to be decided by six people in Belgium and three more in Frankfurt. A bitter old spook doing Ironside impressions about to run a fiscal union of bankrupts on the principle that Poverty Brings Richesse. Because Arbeit macht frei, right? Well of course it does….everyone knows that.

A legacy? The EU doesn’t have a legacy to stand on. Nope, I’m staying in cash until that lil’ ol’ Yuan gets floated with gold backing. I’m going to watch Hillary continue her policy of having every North African State engaged in civil war, war with others, or the recipient of global bombing practice. I’m going to keep a beady eye on John McCain as he turns Jihadists into freedom fighters and back again, and then for his closing trick turns money into guns, and oil into mayhem. And I’ll shake my head in wonder as $13 trillion of US investment money seeks a safe haven in Japan, while paying for the privilege.

And then as Chinese investment in Africa, South America and SE Europe combines with Russian cooperation to produce an alternative system of forex and investment, I’ll quietly pull up a few potatoes as Washington goes bipolar and descends into chaos.

But trust me Barack, the last thing I’m going to do is invest in the EU. I fear my former countrymen will take your advice, but then that’s no excuse for me to join in the onanism by going blind too.

So I’m off up the post office. The die is cast: I’m sending the Dear Barack letter.

Yesterday at The Slog: Draghi the Noughtical Ninja to the Rescue