SATURDAY SILLIES: Kitty Spencer, Sir Philip Green, Wolfgang Schäuble, Recep Erdogan, Muhammed Ali and Jack Johnson

 Spencers, expenses, ex-spooks, vexed Receps, ex-boxers and sex with white women

mesnipThe Daily Telegraph tells us this morning that Princess Diana’s niece Kitty Spencer is moving to South Africa ‘in order to escape the spotlight’. A suitably engaging picture is included to ensure she tiptoes briefly into the limelight before heading south. Polyfilla journalism strikes again.

kittyUntil today, I’d never heard of Ms Spencer, so it wasn’t entirely wise of Kitty to approach the press. Now she’ll have to escape to South Africa to avoid the 2000 watt spotlight switched on to help her escape the spotlight that wasn’t there. On the other hand, it is quite possible that Kitty wanted some limelight and thought that this piece would get her some. Judging by her looks, I’d say it most certainly will.

Meanwhile, Fillizboots Green has reacted to Frank Field’s entirely outrageous suggestion that he should sell a yacht or three in order to give the BHS pensioners back the money he ‘took out of’ BHS between 2002 and 2015. Sir Phil Mywallet has written Mr Field a letter insisting that he stand down on the grounds of bias.

Clearly, he wouldn’t like it if I was on the committee, because my suggestion would be rather less informal than Frank’s. Mine would be a little more obligatory, involving keys, thick metal doors, and a voice over saying “Philip Nigel Green, you are an habitual thief who apparently believes he is above the Law. You will go to jail for 237 years”. But of course I’d have to know more about the facts first. Allegedly.

creosoteWhat a fat, pompous and altogether vulgar turd he is. And what a senior donor he has been to the Conservative Party during the reign of King Dodgy of Camerlot. Yet another snout in the pensions trough along with 60,000 Sir Humphreys. Yet another grubby friend in the Spineron Circle.

Perhaps we should feed him to some destitute WASPI women. Right now, they’ll eat anything that’s going.

wolfieThe most wanted news for most Europeans at the moment would be the revelation that Wolfgang Schäuble intends to go to South Africa by wheelchair, there to join Kit-e-Kat Spencer out of the spotlight. But das Wolfierollstuhl is not going anywhere beyond Europe at this crucial hour. After its service at Zweiräderbehindertsinduns GmbH, the Schäublerachewaffe has been returned to its owner….and not a moment too soon.

The story so far: Plans for the mass British breakout from Colditz are well advanced, but Fiskalunion Übersturmbannführerüberallesinordnungstrengepolizeispook Ausgang Schaubild has heard from Agent Ostborn that all is not going well in the Bleibenübriglager.

Ignoring threats from Mutti to halt’s Maul Mensch, Wolfie went public yesterday with Threat #379(b):

“We shall require the country to abide by the rules of a club from which it currently wants to withdraw. If the majority in Britain opts for Brexit, that would be a decision against the single market. In is in. Out is out. Europe will also work without Britain if necessary. At some point, the British will realise they have taken the wrong decision. And then we will accept them back one day, if that’s what they want. Then they will have to join the queue for the showers”.

I made the last sentence up. But you get the drift: the usual Schäuble mix of bitchy bullying and patronising bollocks.

Speaking yesterday evening, the CEOs of BMW, Mercedes and Volkswagen said that since his outburst, Herr Schnitzel had gone mad and flown to Scotland by sea. A full air-sea operation is under way to ensure that the German Finance Minister really has perished, and that silver bullets will not be necessary.

It is, sadly, a reality that archetypal Germans like Schäuble still exist. In the face of overwhelming evidence that ClubMed austerity is a crock and France is not remotely interested in joining in, he continues on to disaster. Similarly, in the light of equally compelling evidence that foreigners poking their noses in – alongside Camerlot scare stories – are handing the referendum to Leave, he pokes his foreign nose in with a scare story.

He’s an ignorant bigot whose knowledge of fiscal economics has no training in his life whatsoever to back his ‘judgement’. And he is slated to be Numero Uno in the Fiskal Union to come. It makes Federica Mogherini being given control of a NATO euroarmy seem like undiluted genius by comparison.

Talking of ignorant bigots, everyone should Join The World. No, really – they should. Muhammed Ali saw himself as a citizen of the world, and the world rightly came to his funeral. The only downside is that one is them is going to be Recep Erdogan, especially if you’re a Muslim. Yup, these days it’s “Join the world and see Recep Erdogan”.

I’m so old now, I remember Ali when he was Cassius Clay, the Louisville Lip. I first saw him at the 1960 Olympics, and in his Final there, I quickly formed the mistaken opinion that there was a blur where his legs should be. He was actually pretty objectionable in those days, but becoming a Muslim made him a better person. Muhammed Ali was, without doubt, the greatest boxer who has ever lived, but his religion gave him a depth and humour that turned him into a fearless ambassador of peace in Vietnam, the triumphant winner of da rumble in da jungle, and a bewildering radiator of the idea, “Whatever you wanne be, you can be”. Few people inspire like Ali did. Beside him, Obama is nothing. I mean literally, nothing.

alifuneralBut sadly, Islam comes with baggage. And Erdo the Mad is one entire left-luggage office of baggage. During Ali’s funeral, Recep decided it wasn’t ‘proper’ and began to get a little loud in his observations. Five very broad black persons shaped like a 1950s fridge requested that he sit down “an’ shut de f**k up”. As one of them was allegedly Frank Tyson, you have never seen a dictator sit down so immediately. It was like watching the fastest draw in the West: “You wanna see it again?”

When black boxers retire, rather than being tempted back into the ring by a big purse, they should be snapped up by those trying to keep Turkey’s leader in the small box he so richly deserves. It’d be a win-win really, because they’d suffer no brain damage, and we’d get to suffer Recep Erodgan’s infantile megalomania a lot less.

This wouldn’t just be a triumph of brawn over bigot. Black boxers often fight their way out of racism by demonstrating great intellect. If Muhammed Ali was The Greatest, Jack Johnson was the bravest. He became World Champion in an America still convinced that sharing the same toilet with de black folks was a recipe for Communist revolution and unspeakable disease. As for black men having sex with white women….well. I mean, please: there are ladies present.

Jack Johnson spent a lifetime enjoying the pleasures of – and clearly giving great pleasure to – white women from Atlanta to Zanzibar. This made him such a figure of hate, one day he was accosted in the street by three KKK seniors who taunted him. They demanded to know what “white women might see in a Niggra”. Turning slowly to tower over them, Johnson said:

“It is simple, gentlemen….we black men eat raw eels and think distant thoughts”

Bear in mind here, he said this half a century before anyone had ever heard of Monty Python’s Flying Circus. It’s been in my top ten Things I Wish I’d Said ever since I learned about it last year.

Enjoy the rest of Saturday.

Yesterday at The Slog: Blatant censorship enters the Referendum debate