New Ipsos Mori poll sees Leavers open up 6-point lead

In a bid to unite his Party yesterday, Chancer of the ExChequer George Unborn threatened to call an emergency budget after June 23rd if all the Brexiteers on the naughty step refuse to do as they’re told. All Out voters would also be sent to bed without any supper. This brought an immediate unanimity of response from both ex-Chancellors and Party leaders among the Conservative big beasts.

“Yes, it’s more proof that the Government’s long-term strategy of terrifying the bejeesuz out of everyone is working,” said Prime Minister David Scareathon, as the Leave Camp was shown to have doubled its lead since a fortnight ago.

And in what is thought to be a related move, unelected EU sac-a-vin Jean-Claude Drunker promised to come to London and slap Kate Hoey, Boris Johnson and John Whippingdale around “if zey dern’t stop interferrink in ziss oor grand planification d’Europe-sur-Etats Unis”.

BBC unbiased Remain activist Trevor Chew announced late this morning that “By teatime on June 24th, Slavic hordes led by Vladimir Rasputin will be in Dunkirk, and élite troops of the Vth Schäubleschutzstaffel Airborne Division will be parachuted into England hellbent on the mass rape of every Waspi campaigner threatening to vote Leave unless DWP Christlichführer Craven Stabb is immersed upside down in a large VAT of undeclared company income, which is absolutely typical of these disgraceful women who should all be chained to railings in order to teach them a lesson”.

But plucky freedom-fighter and Waspi radical Lizzie Cornish had her pitchfork at the ready as she told Torquay local radio that “any fascists dropping from the sky can expect a troika up the jacksie from me”.

That’s the ticket, girls: