The Twattering Classes

mesnip18716 In today’s packed show, Strictly Ballsroom Dancing with Unpleasant Ed, DWP pension forecasts by Smartphone leave me displeased, Theresa May pleasing all of the (right) people, Goldman Sachs pleasing itself by pleasing the Fed, and Pleasant Trips from Belgium to France for illegals, apply to the Police.

We open proceedings this morning with Ed Balls, an early Twatterati who never misses any publicity opportunity, loves tweeting, but hates anyone telling him who he really is. That’s why five years ago he got me blocked on Twitter for asking a simple question: you are Minister for Family Care and there is a major issue of paedophilia in that system…why are you tweeting about Norwich City during your working day?

Now that his missus Yvette Cooper has taken up the Moderniser Standard in Not Quite Labour, Balls is working hard at building his Man of the People image. He is thus to be be seen stumbling his way through Ilkley Combe Prancing:


See how immensely relaxed, happy and enthusiastic everyone looks…..except Ed, who looks, well, awkward. Like a fish in a tree. Or a Hedge Fund Manager in the CoOp.

This one is for all those 1950s born WASPI ladies just desperate to see their pensions….but as they’re not going to see them for anything from 2-6 years, they can get the next best thing: a forecast of what to expect on that smartphone they can’t afford – along with a long weekend in Skeggy, a bike, or a meal in Weatherspoons:


“It doesn’t take long,” says the somewhat insensitive ad, not quite adding “Just 44 years from when you first started paying in, to realising that it won’t be paying out”.

It would seem to be a pointless waste of taxpayers’ money on a desperate piece of mendacious spin, because as we all know “there is no money left in the budget”. But Thursday’s news that there is an SP budget surplus of over £24bn has blown a big hole in that tissue  of lies.

So now what are they going to say? Nobody knows. Not even your smartphone and its online pension forecast. It has all, as they say, gone quiet over there.

But things clearly are going to be alright, because Theresa Maniac says so. Yes, the crew of the Mayflower will be sailing on the noon wench, to take up the challenge of “remaining responsive to the people we serve”.


The more sharp-eyed among you will have noticed that Mrs MayorMayNot was careful to take a small p on the people. The people she serves, you see, live in Washington, Brussels, Whitehall, the City, Wall Street and heavily gated communities. There  is no way that a global anything gives a flying toss about the People, except as semi-android consumers of media drivel, tabloid circuses, badly made tat and zero hours contracts.

She hasn’t got a clue, she really hasn’t.

Nor does Lloyd Bankfine, the follically deprived CEO of Goldman Sachs. This isn’t going to show him up too much, because Janet Yellen doesn’t have a clue either. But cunning, not wisdom, is the banker’s strongest survival weapon, and the tweet below is very smart indeed:


“You may have thought that Yellon is trapped in the corner of a wet, blue floor with only a pot of piffle paint to piss in,” it suggests, “but that’s because you don’t know the right Buzzwords”.

And the new bullshit, sorry, Buzzword is “neutral rate”. Yup, Janet may seem to be like the prick-teaser who keeps suggesting yes then saying no, but that’s because she is playing a very clever game, at the end of which we will have a neutral rate. This will be a rate so neutral, it will neutralise all Dollar denominated debt, pay everyone a salary slap-bang on the national average, and favour nobody and nothing except Full Employment. It will be a neutral so highly-rated, it will be fixed forever: Banco Santanders, Monte Dei Paschis, Deutsche Banks and Royal Banks of Scotland and Banks of Japan may immolate, but the neutral rate will be eternal.

The quants have it all worked out. All they need now is just one wafer-thin scintilla of evidence to support this jelly door of a theory. It is only a matter of Time. And Space, Universal implosion, cold fusion, snowballs in Hell and a squadron of airborne porcines.

And finally, just one more glaring example of the profoundly corrupt nature of the EU for the British liberal/Left Remaindeers to ignore via the medium of cataracts behind blindfolds behind blinkers:


What I say is, if you want to know the way, ask a policeman.

Earlier this week at The Slog: The half-baked recipes of Janet Yellen